Itâ€™s been six, long, lonely, agonizing, excruciating, unbearable weeks since I wrote my last Week In Craig for the Black Table. However, in anticipation of my extended â€œvacation,â€ I did the only sensible thing and ran straight downstairs and purchased $50 worth of weed and a grilled cheese sandwich from the Yemeni guy…
by AMY BLAIR
However, in anticipation of my extended â€œvacation,â€ I did the only sensible thing and ran straight downstairs and purchased $50 worth of weed and a grilled cheese sandwich from the Yemeni guy with the full set of gold teeth who works at my local bodega in order to, like, ease the separation anxiety, or whatever. Since math is cool (shut up), I have decided to turn my consumption habits during those past (tedious, dreadful, intolerable) six weeks into a fun yet simple mathematical equation for your enjoyment.
What I have consumed:
1. 168 beers
2. 9 shots of Jagermeister
3. 18 glasses of Wild Turkey on the rocks
4. 6 bottles of wine (approximately 30 glasses)
5. 6 Margaritas
6. 6 shots of tequila
7. 5 Hanoi Lychee Martinis
8. $50 worth of weed.
242 drinks in 42 days, or 5.76 drinks per day. Plus $50 worth of weed. You know what all that equals? That would equal pretty damn bad newsâ€¦if I were a pregnant lady! Because the funny thing is that this whole time that Week In Craig has been on hiatus I never once menstruated! (Fancy that). That is, untilâ€¦today! Whatever thatâ€™s a sign of, it canâ€™t be good. But whatevs. Vacationâ€™s been fun, but itâ€™s good to be back (and bloody?), craigslisters. And itâ€™s damn good to not be having a drunk baby. I think we can all say Amen to that.
I am looking to meet up with a woman that is currently pregnant and showing. I am very open as to you age. I just find pregnant women so very sexy and a huge turn on.
I fully admit I would love to have sex with you. It is a huge fantasy of mine. However I do not expect that. No doubt you already have a guy or some such thing. I am not asking you to cheat on you guy.
What I am asking is to be able to meet up. Let me give you a back rub or foot massage. Let me tell you how sexy you look. Things like that.
If you are comfortable enough and want to make things a bit more erotic that would be great, but is not a must.
I am very for real and eager to meet. I am 41 and good looking.
I will respect your limits and wishes.
A photo reply is a plus, but any/all offers will be considered.
You know, when one day I get myself knocked up and Iâ€™m too poor to abort the little monster, what Iâ€™m going to want more than anything else is some pervert that I found on the internet to rub my feet, give me a massage and tell me how sexy I look. Cause that will, like, make everything oh-so-much better.
By the way, how on earth did he manage to come to the conclusion that a pregnant lady will no doubt already have a guy â€œor some such thing?â€ Genius!
HI LADIES I AM A BI HISPANIC WOMAN WHO IS PREGNANT BUT NOT SHOWING MUCH VERY HORNY AND NEEDS THE TOUCH OF A SEXY WOMAN I AM INTO TOYS AND ALOT OF ORAL PLEASURE, I AM TAN SKIN ROUND ASS PERKY BREAST SHOULDER LENTH HAIR AND BROWN EYES, I AM MARRIED I AM NOT LOOKING FOR 3SOMES WITH MY HUSBAND OR YOUR MAN I AM ONLY SEEKING ONE ON ONE FUN WITH AN HONEST NOT INTO HEAD GAMES WOMAN THAT IS ON MY SAME LEVEL, PLEASE BE D&D FREE NOT OVERWEIGHT HEIGHT PORPOTION TO WEIGHT BE SEXY CLEAN AND VERY FEMENINE LIKE MYSELF,IF YOU ARE A MAN PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN DONT EVEN WASTE YOUR TIME I AM NOT NEW TO CL AND I CAN SPOT A FAKE A MILE AWAY.I AM NOT LOOKING TO EMAIL FOR A YEAR I WANT TO FIND WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR A MEET ASAP.PLEASE SEND A PIC WITH A BRIEF BIO OF YOURSELF, IF YOU DONT MIND TO BE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN AND I WILL RESPOND WITH MY PIC ONLY EMAILS WITH PICS WILL GET MY RESPOND I NEED TO KNOW WHO I AM SPEAKING WITH BEFORE TAKING IT FURTHER AND LADIES I WILL VOICE VERIFY ASWELL.THIS IS A REAL POST YOU WONT FIND A FAKE HERE OR A PIC COLLETOR.
Well, at least sheâ€™s not just a â€œpic colletor.â€ God forbid.
I want to look forward to hearing your voice.
I want to play Scrabble on the couch.
I want to breathe your hair as we sleep.
I want to come home and find that the place is missing something – you.
I want to hear your heart beat a little faster when my head is on your chest.
I want to meet other people because our kids go to the same school.
I want to go out with you on Saturday night and enjoy great restaurants, shows, wines, and friends.
I want to wake up to you on Sunday morning and hold you in my arms.
I want to support you in achieving your goals.
I want to kiss the palm of your hand.
I want to tell you to take a big deep breath after you have your sixth orgasm of the night.
I want to tell you we need a time out and to remember how much we love each other when there’s a misunderstanding.
I want to take you to ALL the Relais et Chateaux hotels in the world (I speak French).
I want to meet you at the gym and work out together.
I want to roast red peppers and put them in the salad.
I want us to have secret decoder rings that NO ONE else has!
I want to wake up early and go out and take photographs together.
I want to teach you to rollerblade and ski, so your friends say “Wow, is that really you doing that?”.
I want to go shopping and buy you beautiful elegant-yet-simple size 1, 2, or 4 clothes (and they fit).
I want to know that you have never ever smoked a cigarette in your life.
I want to tell people that we are so lucky that we found each other.
I want you to share my passion for high quality dark chocolate and red wine.
I want to share your passions with you.
I want us to laugh hard at our private jokes.
I want to very gently make you pregnant.
I want to paint animal faces on our kids and watch them run around ROARing and MEOWing.
I want you to be around 30 (I am around 45, successful, 5’10”, very fit, and very creative).
I want to see your photos, then you will see mine.
Oh, Jesus Christ. I want to very gently make you pregnant? (Very gently? Oh vomit). I want to paint animal faces on our kids and watch them run around ROARing and MEOWing? I want to meet other people because our kids go to the same school?
I donâ€™t know about the rest of you, but I just want to smash this dudeâ€™s face in with a shovel. Unless of course he gives me a secret decoder ring first that NO ONE else has!
I am a 27 yr old, professional, attractive, sexy, man who is GREAT in bed!!!!!!! I have been more than satisfied with my sex life but am looking 4 women to help me in my first 3+ way before I settle down, can you help? E-mail me and i will send a pic. Also I have wednesday off and can drive anywhere I need to for a day of great
sex, and with me, that is what your guaranteed to get!!!!!!! I also like pregnant
women if any are interested. E-mail me at and let me know. If you have a pic to send, send it and I will reply with mine.
When I think of sowing oneâ€™s wild oats before settling down, I totally think of spending a relaxing Wednesday afternoon either having a â€œ3 + wayâ€ and/or banging a pregnant chick. Donâ€™t you? I feel kind of whack that I just slept with a dead hooker while on acid.
Also, I know this is nitpicking, but he says that heâ€™s 26 in the subject of the post, but then says heâ€™s a 27-year old professional in the very first sentence of the ad. Something tells me heâ€™s a 50-year old gym teacher from Queens. Undoubtedly.
Tough roller coster ride? Sensitive ear here to listen and shoulder to use!
Aww, what a sweetie! Ladies, if youâ€™re preggers, I totally recommend that you cry on THIS dudeâ€™s shoulder. Sheesh â€“ what a roller â€œcosterâ€ ride!
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