Right about right now, His Eminence is addressing the United Nations. Since we don’t expect he’ll announce the presence of Satan on earth, or anything equally cool, we instead offer up these Great Moments at the U.N.
1) Who can forgot Nikita Khrushchev’s lively loafer? As Stalin’s successor, comrade Khrushchev had big plans for the Soviet Union. Namely, ruling the world. On Oct. 13, 1960, the Philippines’ delegate accused the USSR of employing a double standard on colonialism. Nikita fired back, calling him “a jerk, a stooge and a lackey of imperialism” — and then threatened to beat the table with his shoe.
2) On Sept. 12, 2002, New York City’s favorite, President Bush, set some shit into motion with this humdinger:
Iraq employs capable nuclear scientists and technicians. It retains physical infrastructure needed to build a nuclear weapon. Iraq has made several attempts to buy high-strength aluminum tubes used to enrich uranium for a nuclear weapon. Should Iraq acquire fissile material, it would be able to build a nuclear weapon within a
year.
3) On Sept. 19, 2006, the ayatollah of rock ‘n’ rollah, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, told all polytheists to fuck themselves:
All Divine prophets from the Prophet Adam (peace be upon him) to the Prophet Moses (peace be upon him), to the Prophet Jesus Christ (peace be upon him), to the Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him), have all called humanity to monotheism, justice, brotherhood, love and compassion. Is it not possible to build a better world based on monotheism, justice, love and respect for the rights of human beings, and thereby transform animosities into friendship?
4) And finally, Hugo Chavez’s blockbuster indictment of the Bush administration (full text and audio here) dropped on Sept. 20, 2006. And oh, it’s a beauty:
Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of.
Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world. Truly. As the owner of the world.
I think we could call a psychiatrist to analyze yesterday’s statement made by the president of the United States. As the spokesman of imperialism, he came to share his nostrums, to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world.
An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: “The Devil’s Recipe.”
A very high bar has been set for Papa Benedictus 15. Best of luck, Your Holiness.
-Jeff Koyen
