The headline reads: “5-year-old knows right and wrong, and graffiti is wrong.” Sadly, this is not for an Onion piece, but an actual story in today’s Newsday—don’t forget this brilliant reportage. What was reporter Rocco Parascandola smoking when he thought it made sense to write way too many words about what some 5-year-old Long Island kid’s opinion on graffiti is? It’s still hard to believe the newspaper wasn’t duped after reading some of these quotes from the Port Washington kindergartner who first started hating graffiti when he was 4: “Graffiti is very bad, dude. “I’m angry about it, all the way to 100 degrees.” He’s really pissed about UTAH and ETHER’s rampage too. His grandfather read him the story about the arrest of the infamous vandal couple and the youngster was so moved that he supposedly wrote a letter that was dictated to his granddad and then emailed to Newsday:

I don’t like graffiti. I see it everywhere in New York City, in bathrooms, on boxcars, when we are going to a picnic, and I see it on garages, which are for vehicles, and everywhere.

Even more shocking, the puny conservative-in-the-making wants to rid the entire cosmos of pesky vandals:

Make sure those two people don’t escape. Try to get every graffiti person out of the entire universe. Can you please tell the policemen they did good work?

According to the publicity seeking grandfather Fred Nielsen, the kid acknowledges the difference between tags and murals, claiming the latter is art while the tags are just vandalism. Too bad someone doesn’t sit that little bastard down and explain how one couldn’t have existed without the other, and if it weren’t for all those meany tags, the cutesy mural shit would never have even happened. That and there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny! |Newsday|
Photo: 1987porsche944