Another global religious leader is visiting the U.S. right now. Those filthy anarchists in Seattle were proud to have hosted the saffron savior himself, the Gentle Glory and Compassionate Defender of the Faith, another man occasionally known as His Holiness — the 14th Dalai Lama, the exiled spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists. Like Pope Benedict XVI, the Dalai Lama keeps a busy travel schedule during which he urges world peace and condemns boy-fucking. No, wait — that’s just the Pope.

Here’s how they stack up. (Full disclosure: I walked past the Dalai Lama in the Taipei airport in 2005, and he looked smashing.)

Pope Dalia Lama
Birth name Joseph Alois Ratzinger Lhamo Dhondrub
Birth date, place April 16, 1927, Germany July 6, 1935, Tibet
Height Taller than most nuns Taller than Short Round, but shorter than President Bush but shorter than Richard Gere
Reach Latin America White urban neighborhoods, parts of Northern Ireland
Animal he most resembles rattus norvegicus chelydra serpentine
Adored by waning congregations Buddhists, dirty hippies, of pregnant, unwed Latinas, Hollywood
At the age of 15 was in the Hitler Youth already an enlightened being
Attained office through election reincarnation
Age of ascension 78 15
Loves fresh linens tax-deductible donations
Hates rubbers, lawyers Kabbalah, rainy days
Position on China converts galore! sucks
Position on boy-fucking against unknown

Jeff Koyen