Before you’ve had time to finalize today’s happy hour plans, Pope Benedict XVI (nee Joseph Alois Ratzinger) will have set foot on American soil for the first time since transitioning from God’s Rottweiler to God’s Mouthpiece. His Holiness is expected to touch down at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland at 4 p.m. Due to extra security and clean-up, His six-day trip will cost millions â€“ for rich Catholics, mostly. For everyone else, the additional public funds thrown at His visit are just another lesser boondoggle in this age of Wall St. bailouts.
To honor Mr. XVI’s arrival, let’s take a closer look at the official handbook of His visit, The Roman Missal (available here,
PDF doc), published by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. No doubt some energetic young anti-Papists (Evangelicals, Muslims, angry liberal coastlanders — take your pick) will think of this highly detailed itinerary as The Papal Visit Assassination Guide — with careful planning and a steady handy, and you, too, can pop the Pope during the Psalm of your choice. Don’t worry about public opinion — the Papacy ain’t what it used to be.
Speaking of Psalms, let’s play a little game based on The Roman Missal. It’s called “Avril Lavigne lyric — or psalm refrain?”
1. I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things.
2. Already you knew my soul,
my body held no secret from you.
3. I never spend less than an hour,
Washin’ my hair in the shower,
It always takes 5 hours to make it straight,
So I’ll braid it in a zillion braids,
Though it may take all friggen day,
There’s nothin’ else better to do anyway.
4. To me, how mysterious your thoughts,
the sum of them not to be numbered!
If I count them, they are more than the sand;
to finish, I must be eternal, like you.
5. Behind and before you besiege me,
your hand ever laid upon me,
Too wonderful for me, this knowledge,
too high, beyond my reach.
Answers: 1: Avril, 2: psalm, 3: Avril, 4: psalm, 5: psalm
Check back later for: “Biblical canticulum or Harry Potter spells?”