Roland Burris
The Illinois state senator is feeling the wrath of his political colleagues and constituents now that it was revealed he feel into the seductive web of disgraced Governor Rod Blagojevich. According to FBI wiretap reports, Burris offered to “personally do something” for Blago in exchange for a his Senate seat. He got it. But what were the personal favors? Blow? Whores? Foot massages? It appears the only one who’ll ever know the truth about what transpired will be Burris, Blago, his brother, and, of course, Satan.

AT&T
Once again, American Idol is confronted with a massive voting scandal after heavily favored Adam Lambert lost to the less-homo-punkish-looking Kris Allen. Lambert’s fans claim AT&T, by distributing phones to text-message votes to certain segments of the Allen-loving population, may have swayed the vote, hence denying Lambert the opportunity to appear on Regis & Kelly every week for the rest of his life. The telecommunication industry is doing a disservice to both Lambert and American culture, who now have to suffer through another over-saturation cycle of blandness.

O.J. Simpson
Still convinced he did nothing wrong at some point—even though it appears he’s done everything wrong at some point—O.J. Simpson proved that his short stint in prison has neither rid him of the gall or tactlessness that has made him consistently one of the most despicable human beings to shuffle the earth. (Oh and that murdering your wife and a waiter thing doesn’t help matters much either, but we’ll let that slide for now.) O.J., just for once, take this time behind prison to soak in painful regret for your wretchedness.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor
Obama’s new Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayor has everything going for her from a sassy little Latino waddle to strident feminism. One problem? This chica’s dumbbbb. Summa Cum Laude from Princeton? Yale Law School? Next thing we’ll find out that girl has failed the bar six times. Oh wait…

Most Evil: Chris Brown
Oh really. You’re not a monster. Here’s a heads up to all (alleged) woman-punchers who just so happen to have a fleeting R&B-singing career: don’t make a public apology on YouTube. Especially if it’s insincere and self-serving. For Chris Brown, we wish he give birth to a dozens of illegitimate daughters in his life that he will love and nurture with all his heart, only to find out later in life that R. Kelly peed on every single one of them once they hit the age of 14.