One of my favorite things to do when having political debates with religious conservatives is to pose the question they love to ask, “What would Jesus do?” Because, I mean, when you get right down to it, Jesus was a Goddamn liberal, arguably the biggest bleeding heart, peace-loving, downtrodden-people-helping liberal hippie to ever walk the earth. Next time you find yourself debating politics with a Christian conservative, be sure to ask them if they think Jesus would be against universal health care, or if he’d be in favor of the death penalty, and watch their faces melt as their wee brains grasp desperately for some sort of rebuttal. In an effort to combat such embarrassments, some Christians have decided to re-write the bible, leaving out all the gay liberal shit, because the modern bible has been corrupted by “liberal bias” you see.

Here’s what the “Conservative Bible Project” plans to do, since “there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines”:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as “gamble” rather than “cast lots”;[5] using modern political terms, such as “register” rather than “enroll” for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”

Fucking retarded.