Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Revealed to be Totally Gay for Each Other
Remember the New York Times story last week that traced Michelle Obama’s roots back to slavery, the story that some people didn’t think was a big deal? Well, not to be outdone, the Washington Post has jumped on the celebrity genealogy bandwagon to reveal that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are 10th cousins! Wow, can you believe this horseshit?!?!
What this story fails to tell the reader is that many of us are tenth cousins once removed with people we’re friends with, in addition to fancy famous people. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if some fancy genealogy researcher were to discover that Mookie Wilson and Kim Jung Il were tenth cousins once removed. This is fucking news worthy of coverage in the Goddamn Washington Post?!
According to the New England Genealogical Society, they’re also cousins. Tenth cousins, once removed, that is.
Society researchers dug up evidence that both Damon and Affleck are descended from William Knowlton Jr. He was a bricklayer who came to the U.S. from England in the 1630s and settled in Ipswich.
The society said Friday that Affleck has lots of other famous relatives, including 16 U.S. presidents – Barack Obama among them – and the late Princess Diana.
In other news, Affleck and Damon are indeed totally gay for each other. You heard it here first. And that’s what you call news, baby!
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