Remember Francisco Martin Duran, the guy who, in a lame attempt to assassinate Bill Clinton, sprayed the White House with 29 rounds of gunfire from the street in 1994? No? Well, me neither. Anyway, for 15 years he says that he’s refused to talk about the whole thing, but was recently inspired to conduct an interview with himself and mail it to Vice because “VICE shares with her audience real people out having a blast or doing what is necessary to survive. The bullshit does fly, yet it’s with a message and kickass pictures as a sort of ride-along to give the reader a face with the message. I like that.” Below is an excerpt of Duran’s Penthouse Letter-esque “interview” in which he brags about all the pussy he ate during his cross-country journey to Washington D.C. to murder the president.

Here’s a little anecdote about this little filly he met up with on the boardwalk in San Antonio, Texas:

I dried her off slowly. Taking in her lovely body in all of its beautiful and young glory. A flower unseen for far too long. I layed her on the bed and wrapped my arms around her and we layed there in silence for over an hour. Comforted in my embrace, she asked Me to use her body in any way I desire, just like I said I would.

She faced Me and I passionately kissed her soft lips and worked my way down to her small tits. Taking special care to give each nipple some attention. Then proceeded down to eat her hairy pussy. She freaked out when my long tongue pressed down hard onto her clit. She lost her mind as I licked, sucked and ate her sweet pussy pie. I mist have eaten her cunt for about two hours straight. I Love Eating Pussy! She prepeatedly screamed and pulled at my hair—telling Me how much she loves Me for eating her juicy and virgin cunt. Having orgasm after orgasm, over and over, one after the other. I would every once in a while, letting my tongue slip, blessing her with a good oh fashion rim-job, throughout the tow hours.

Enjoying the shock of such pleasure it gave her racing threw her body. “God loveth a cheerful giver.” I then fucked her good and rode her hard doggy-style. Grabbing her hair and then slapping that sweet ass I pounded away. She was lost in the over whelming lust and pleasure, mixed with that erotic pain. Psychopathic and lascivious eroticism was all that my consciousness desired. The pleasures are momentary, the positions rediculous, and the expense damnable. I was so wrapped up in the flesh, slithering and licking one another like passionate and debased slimmy snakes. I felt alive and condemned all at once. I left Her there alone, lost in her own flesh.

Yeah. It should be noted that Duran claimed during his trial that conservative talk radio inspired his actions and that he communicated with aliens by attaching himself to an umbilical cord in the Colorado mountains

Vice should really add a “favored by would-be deranged presidential assassins across the land” tagline to its masthead, no?