As legend goes, on election night in 2008, a year ago today, Sarah Palin had speeches prepared that she planned to deliver to America whether she and the fossil she rode in on won or loss. However, concession speeches delivered by vice-presidential candidates just don’t happen EVER, and the aforementioned fossil, known popularly as John McCain, was having none of it and basically told her to shove whatever folksy word soup piece of horseshit she’d “written” up her annoying Alaskan ass. Naturally, Palin wouldn’t let it go and she became combative to the point that McCain’s aides ordered the lights to the stage shut down after he finished his concession speech out of fear that she’d hijack the mic when no one was looking. Now, finally, the text of both Palin speeches has emerged.

The Daily Beast got their hands on the speeches via the author of a forthcoming book on Palin titled Sarah from Alaska. Here are some of the highlights, first from Palin’s “victory” speech:

As for my own family, well, it’s been quite a journey these past 69 days. We were ready, in defeat, to return to a place and a life we love. And I said to my husband Todd that it’s not a step down when he’s no longer Alaska’s “First Dude.” He will now be the first guy ever to become the “Second Dude.”

Had it gone the other way tonight, we would not have returned in sorrow to the great State of Alaska. We would have carried with us memories that are forever, and joyful experiences that do not depend on victory.

From the concession speech:

My fellow Americans, tens of millions of you shared our convictions and gave us your votes. And I thank you for your confidence. For us, it was not our time… not our moment. But it is our country… the winner will be our president… and I wish Barack Obama well as the 44th president of the United States.

If he governs America with the skill and grace we have often seen in him, and the greatness of which he is capable, we’re gonna be just fine. And when a black citizen prepares to fill the office of Washington and Lincoln, that is a shining moment in our history that can be lost on no one. Barack Obama has achieved a great thing, for himself and for our country, and I congratulate him. God bless you and your beautiful family, President-Elect Obama.

As for my own family, well, it’s been quite a journey these past 69 days. And we are ready to return to a place and a life we love. I told my husband Todd to look at the upside: Now, at least, he can clear his schedule, and get ready for championship title number five in the Iron Dog snow machine race! Along the way in this campaign, it was Todd, as always, who helped with the children, gave me advice, and kept me strong. There are a lot of men in this world could learn a few things from Todd Palin. And I am so lucky that after a couple of decades, five kids, and a presidential campaign, he is still my guy.

Praise Jesus she never got to deliver either of these, especially the “victory” speech.