So last night was election night in America. Here’s a brief recap of what happened in the five most closely watched races.

-NYC Mayoral Race: As we noted last night, the rich Jew beat the black guy nobody ever heard of…barely, which is pretty damn pathetic when you really stop to think about it. Bloomberg spent a gazillion dollars, his unknown black opponent got no support from America’s very popular in New York City black president, and he still only mangaged to capture 51% of the vote, despite registering a double digit lead in recent polls. You think Anthony Weiner’s not kicking himself right now for not running against Bloomberg?

-New York 23: The wingnut faction of the Republican Party desperately wanted this House seat. They drove the official Republican candidate out of the race because she was “too liberal” in favor of some Glenn Beck-programmed robot, Sarah Palin threw him her support, as did numerous other right-wingers, and he still got his ass handed to him by Bill Owens, the Democratic Party candidate. Yet you can still bet that this will be spun to reflect poorly on Obama and as a victory for Republicans, just wait and see.

-New Jersey Governor: Republican Chris Christie, otherwise known as “the fat guy,” defeated incumbent Governor Jon Corzine, the Democrat. The Repubs are retardedly pointing to this result as a referendum on Obama, somehow making the connection that every voter in New Jersey who voted for Christie did so because Obama sucks, nevermind the fact that Corzine was enormously unpopular in the state. Hell, Jesus Christ himself could have come down from the heavens to endorse him and he would’ve still lost. So just shut up.

-Gay Marriage in Maine: Voters in Maine voted to repeal the law allowing gay marriage in the state that was passed six months ago. Sadly, this is a battle that rages on in 2009.

-Virginia Governor: The Republican former state attorney general won the seat by a wide margin in a state that has a long history of supporting the political party not holding power in the White House.

So yeah, it’s hard to say that anyone really won or lost last night.