Surely by now you’ve heard of the “cougar,” that older (usually late 30s to early 40s), sexually uninhibited woman who preys on younger men, or the puma, also an older (usually late 20s to early 30s) woman who preys on younger men. Well now the New York Observer has identified another sect of sexually proactive modern women to be labeled as some sort of feral, wild feline: the “cheetah.”

So what’s a cheetah? Basically she’s any girl of average to below-average attractiveness, or a girl who is attractive but lacks confidence in herself, who has to bang hideously wasted dudes in order to get laid.

The cheetah is most often a just-one-of-the-guys girl. That’s her cover. In nature, a cheetah will lurk in the high grass and use her spots as camouflage.

I called up an accomplished and self-described cougar named Angela, who works in TV production, to see if I was out on a wild limb. “Well, she’s not a puma,” Angela told me. A puma, Angela further explained, is a woman in her late 20s to early 30s who preys on “the babies—guys who are like 21.” Angela said she wants to write a sex memoir, with any luck before she enters the saber-toothed stage.

She noted that her friend K.C. was a cheetah. Recently out of a relationship, K.C. has discovered that getting a man was no longer as easy as it once was. “It seems like whenever she can, she winds up going home with the drunkest guy in the bar,” said Angela. “Of course, in the back of her mind she’s hoping that her pussy’s still good enough to keep him.”

This is one of the stupidest fucking articles I’ve read in a long time. Hands down.