Each week, ANIMAL will rank the world’s most despicable, deplorable, and undesirable human beings walking the earth, making the news. Behold: Evil Empirical. This week: the Jersey Shore Edition.

The City’s Whitney Port
What does Port have to do with any of this? The creature who stars in the succubus of culture and literalized representation of The Decline of Modern New York, The City, is defending Jersey Shore. Notes Port: “Everybody is trying to get their most exaggerated side out there and to cause drama…But it’s definitely entertaining.” Like we don’t know what’s editing and what isn’t, you cretin! What’re you trying to do? This isn’t entertaining! This is stimuli masochism! If all of these people join forces and unionize or militarize, look to Port to lead them, and know that ANIMAL was on her case first. We smell leadership. Terrible, awful leadership.

Tim McIntyre, Domino’s Pizza Spokescreature.
Did you hear that Domino’s pulled their advertising from Jersey Shore? This stinks of the bilious bullshit Domino’s is typically excellent at purporting. Really though, what’s more offensive to Italian Americans: Jersey Shore or Domino’s? Right. But what’s worse? Jersey Shore’s godless hedonism, or the Psychotic, Fortress-Town-Owning Fundamentalist Christian Soldiers That Are Trying To Capitalize Off Of Jersey Shore’s Offensive Nature By Making A PR Play Out Of It? Make no mistake, Domino’s is just as evil as Jersey Shore, and now they get to try and play PR spin in the face of their manufactured “controversy.” And this is the man delivering their message. God’s Angels should deliver him a roundhouse Chicken Kicker to the face.

MTV Programming President Tony DiSanto
Forget the fact that MTV’s awful now because of people like him, and that MTV used to breed culture and art in the early 90s that could’ve amounted to something that, somehow, maybe could’ve represented some kind of output from a generation only understood by those who came before it by MTV. Forget that this man preys on our worst impulses, that he’s offending and encouraging them, that he’s making money by lowering the bar on humanity a few floors at a time. And forget the fact that Jersey Shore is the worst representation of Italian-Americans on television in the history of Italian-Americans on television. The fact is: this is the man responsible for the sesspool of awfulness we’re all feeding into that is Jersey Shore. May the cosmos have mercy on whatever he has moving blood through that shell of a creature, or may he have mercy on us.

Snooki
Did you know what a “Snooki” was until recently? Did you ever want to know a Snooki before this week? Do you – without irony or sarcasm, honestly and sincerely – enjoy The Existence of Snooke on this planet? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, chances are you’re one of the elite few who’ve made this list before, or you’re Snooki. Snookies are birthed from the angriest loins of hell to torture our culture in an act of pure sadism. Snookies are people who encourage the existence of angry, sexless, roid-raged goons who enjoy watching their female companions get date-rape blackout drunk so they can later castigate them. It’s not the Snookies that are bad, per se, but the people who exist to love the Snookies. It’s not the actions of The World’s Snookies that’s so evil, but the product of those actions that’s unfortunate: punditry, encouragement, blogging fodder, more terrible MTV shows, a reduced reluctance to give out nails-on-chalkboard nicknames, etc. There’s simply nothing positive a Snookie can do for this world to make it better. Nothing. They shouldn’t even try. They should all move to Galapagos and be studied until they go extinct. You want proof that Snookies are birthed straight from the fire-orange asshole of Satan? Do you think Princess Pissdrunk 2009 was capable of doing this? No. You did not. Don’t doubt them.

Most Evil: Brad Ferro
It was a close call: Snookie, or The Guy Who Punched Snookie In The Face? On one hand, he’s kind of a folk hero. On the other hand: (1) You don’t hit women, (2) You’re a Gym Teacher, and have confirmed everything anyone has ever suspected about Stereotypes of Gym Teachers, (3) Dude, you’re from Queens. We expect a little better. Instead, you shamed New Yorkers terribly: by hitting a woman, by being on the Jersey Shore, by being on Jersey Shore, by being one of our schoolteachers. Awfulness begets Awfulness. Brad Ferro, you might want to cut back on the hair gel soon. The flames of hell will lick your dome until you beg for mercy.