So the New York Post has a story today about how former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik is pumping up, supposedly to help him fend off the lusty prison ass-goblins seeking to penetrate his virginal anus when he eventually reports to the joint for being convicted of being a slimy prick. But has anyone considered that maybe Bernie’s hoping to thicken his milkshake so that it’ll bring more boys to the yard?

The Post says Kerik, the man the city’s jail was once named after (How’s that for irony?), is looking quite “buff” these days, presumably to keep the ass-rapists away:

The formerly doughy NYPD boss has traded in his “Keystone Kops” body for a buff frame that would look more at home in the cast of “Oz,” according to a stunning set of new photos that he put up on his Facebook page yesterday.

“[Kerik's] been working out a lot,” said a source close to the ex-lawman, who added that Kerik’s been hitting the weights to pass the time while under home confinement.

Kerik — a former jail warden and city correction commissioner who pleaded guilty to eight felonies, including tax fraud — also seems to be sending a message to any future cellmates that he knows how to handle himself when “lights out” is called.

Gone is his law-enforcement mustache and his doughnut-fed belly. It’s been replaced by a bulky chest and a tight waist. He even makes sure to pose before a sword, presumably for effect.

Um, Kerik’s posing next to a sword is intended to send a message alright, a message that he’d like to be forcibly impaled by the finest swordsmen in the joint! DUH!!!! Isn’t obvious?!

For some insight into this, I consulted with an expert — one of my gay friends — who said the following:

Yes, if he’s posing with a Goddamn sword, yes, he’s looking for (gay) sex. Kerik’s a classic closeted power bottom.

You see…Toldja!