In the event you’ve found yourself wondering at any point today, “Gee, I wonder if last night’s episode of Jersey Shore featured a small but hideous geographic human subculture making utter buffoons of themselves in a pseudo-tropical setting?”, the answer is a resounding YES! Warning, merely reading this may make your genitals burn when you pee.
Okay, a few random thoughts about last night’s show…
-Let’s just get this out the way here and now: There is absolutely nothing sexy about Snookie eating a pickle. Nothing. The fact that the guidos on the show were going nuts over it proves (as if further proof were actually needed) they’re a different breed of shithead altogether. In fact, if anyone were to ever do any sort of scientific testing to see determine guido-ness, all potential guidos should be forced to watch the snippet of Snookie eating a pickle. If they become engorged, yep, DING-DING-DING, WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER, they’re a guido! Regardless, the line of the show last night was probably when J-Woww astutely opined, “Yo, seriously, she’s like on a whole ‘nother level on pickles.”
-Pauly D also gets kudos for his analysis on why J-Woww was claiming to not remember going to bed with him in last week’s episode: “She just doesn’t want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue.” The man is a wordsmith.
-The Situation is perhaps the most painfully insecure reality show personality ever. I mean, you kind of have to be to spend that much time in the gym, right? He shifts from outrageous cocksuredness to needy attention-whore in seconds, and is easily the person most blissfully ignorant of his own personality shortcomings on the show, slapping the label of “drama queen” on someone else without a trace of irony in his voice, mere seconds after complaining that one of the girls wasn’t giving him the attention he wants and deserves. Amazing.
-Didn’t you just love that Angelina’s married boyfriend showed up on the show? I mean, the guy actually signed the MTV waiver allowing them to show his face. It’s basically like saying, “Yes, I realize that I am a Titanic scumbag and I’d really like the rest of the world to know it from here until the end of time.”
-Last week someone, I think it was Bill Simmons, mentioned that he thought Ronnie was probably the only guido on the show who could actually function as a normal human being outside of a guido environment. At the time I agreed with Simmons’ assessment that Ronnie had the greatest potential to be the “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” of the group, and then I saw him dancing near the end of last night’s episode and no longer feel the same way. Ronnie outside of a guido environment would be like a chimp outside of the wild…yeah, he’d be fine for a while, but eventually he’d fly into a rage and rip someone’s face off.
-Remind me to never accept an invitation from The Situation to come over for breakfast or a BBQ. Did you see how burnt those pancakes were? Oh, and nice move by him and Pauly D putting charcoal and lighter fluid on a gas grill. Fucking idiots.
-Am I the only one that can clearly see The Situation transitioning from Jersey Shore to porn flawlessly? It’s going to happen. Bet on it.
-Angelina left the house. Praise Jesus, Cockblockus Maximus is dead. Now maybe we’ll see more random skank-nailing. What an annoying…dare I say she’s a cu…oh nevermind. Let’s just roll with “half-ass firecracker,” as The Situation said.
-Oh, remember what I said earlier about J-Woww having the line of the night. I want to amend that. That award rightfully goes to Snooki who, after making out with The Situation and her trashtastic (but sort of hot in a mildly off-putting way) friend Ryder in the hottub, described her perfect man: “Mike could be a nice guy, like he shows his good side, and then he shows his jerkoff side, and that’s what I like. A good guy and a jerkoff. It’s all in the same.” Oh, and how about Snookie and Ryder dancing in the bar?!?! Sexxxxxy, no?
-Speaking of Snookie, the guy who punches her in the face in next week’s episode is apparently a teacher in Queens. Lovely.
-And speaking of the hottub, that thing has to be a virtual petri dish of human social disease. I hope they incinerated it in a funeral home crematory as soon as production ceased, for the sake of humanity.
-If there’s one character on the show that I still can’t quite put my finger on it’s Vinny. He seems sort of quiet and nice and relatively drama free. Perhaps the show’s producers are setting us up for some huge Vinny surprise later on in the show, like he winds up having a crazy foursome with Snookie, J-Woow, Sammi and a jar of pickles while the other guidos are out selling dumb t-shirts on the boardwalk. That’s be awesome.
-Finally, no one dropped the term “pound out,” nor did anyone get “pounded out” last night, which means I give it a B+ overall. Not bad, but not as good as last week’s show(s). Still, Thursday nights are the best of the television week by far. By Tuesday, I was gettin’ antsy for Thursday to roll around. Next week will probably be no different. Y’all have a fantastic weekend.
Pic via Vulture