hofstra

By now you’ve probably heard about the female Hofstra student who recently accused four nice African-American boys of rape, only to recant and admit to police that there was no rape and that it was all just your typical, innocent gangbang. Upon hearing about these false allegations, perhaps you’ve wondered about what could have possibly gone wrong during a run-of-the-mill gangbanging to anger this young lady so much that she’d attempt to ruin their lives of her male co-participants by going all Tawana Brawley on them. In instances such as these, it’s often helpful to take a look back at past gangbangs gone wrong to try to gain some insight into what could have happened here.

There are two key moments in gangbang history that any true gangbang historian can point to as the model scenarios for just about every gangbang that’s ever ended unhappily. They are:

“The Rookie Closer”-In every gangbang there’s one guy whose dong, typically because of it’s ridiculously large size, is the prize for the gangbangee. Occasionally, the gangbangee will desire a smaller dong rather than the largest because of some misguided romanticism, “feelings” she has for a guy possessing an inadequate peen or whatnot, but cases such as these are the exception rather than the rule. With that said, this guy, the big donger, is, in effect, the closer, and the other male participants in the group are all basically just set-up men. Among gentlemen, the “lineup” if you will is something rarely discussed by the male participants, as every guy will usually check out the equipment of the other guys in the room and then make sure that he gets his chance to hit it before the big guy steps to the plate. Conversely, with great endowments come great responsibilities, and the owner of the largest dong will usually hold out to give the others a chance before he comes in to finish things off proper. In this respect, there’s a sort of gangbang social Darwinism at play here. Everyone seems to naturally know their place in the pecking order by simply taking a few quick glances around the room and assessing the situation. Typically, it all runs smooth and everyone has a swell time. However, that doesn’t mean things can’t go wrong, especially among a group of younger men lacking in gangbang experience.

Take for instance the Great Jeb Gee Popoff of ’88. You see, Jeb Gee was a 6’4”, blond-haired blue-eyed freshmen quarterback at Mississippi College. One night, to celebrate the team’s season opening victory against the Jimmy Swaggert Bible College, Jeb’s five offensive linemen coaxed him out of his dorm room to take a ride in a windowless Econoline cargo van, which they later parked in the middle of a cotton field, with them and a nice girl named Sally Ding. Wouldn’t you just know it, Sally was the type of girl who enjoyed getting gangbanged by burly football players, and this was to be Jed’s initiation. Now, to the guys on the O line who were all upperclassmen, this was all old hat, but young Jed was a gangbang virgin, and complicating matters was the fact that he was blessed with the rare and vaunted “Baker’s Dozen Dong,” 13 full inches of man-meat, and when Sally Ding and the other boys saw what Jeb was packing, well, everyone knew who the King was at this Homecoming Dance. Unfortunately, Jeb got a wee bit too excited watching his teammates do the pokey with Sally while awaiting his turn and accidentally popped off a load in the course of stroking his baby’s arm of a penis to keep it erect. Sally, traumatized, frantically attempted to fellate him back into action, but poor Jed’s rocket was so big that he was only really good for one launch and fire per twelve hour period. Incensed by her frustration with the whole situation, Sally reached around and grabbed the gas can that’d been propping her head up, poured its contents all over the back of the van, and struck a match, sending the whole thing ablaze.

So yeah, she was pissed, and it’s possible that the young lady from Hofstra was set off by a similar crushing disappointment.

“Latex Shortage”-The only real problem with gangbangs is that they tend to happen spontaneously, usually after a night of heavy drinking and/or drug use, so there’s little preparation involved. Therefore, it stands to reason that certain participants may not come prepared for sexing, leaving at least one man devoid of a condom. Typically, the condom-less participant will attempt to hide his lacking of protection from the gangbangee and try to slip it in without her noticing. Seeing that the gangbangee’s lucidity is often poor to non-existent, this tactic often works, but occasionally the gangbangee will notice and the results can be disastrous.

Take what happened at the Poughkeepsie Pooper Pool Party of ’99. Lenny Swartz and his buddies went to their local bar in Poughkeepsie, NY to play pool on a Monday night. Since they were the only patrons in the joint, the lady bartender, working alone, took shots with Lenny and his friends each time they bought a round, and before you know it it was closing time and the nice bartender generously offered to let them stay and play after she locked the doors to the establishment. Next thing you know, a gangbang broke out. These things just sort of happen.

So the condomless Lenny, in a bind, went over to each of his friends and whispered, “got an extra rubber?” No dice. But the bartender was hot and Lenny, not being the most handsome lad in the county, knew that a gangbang situation might be the only chance he’d ever get to bone this particular bartender, so when it finally came his turn Lenny tried to sneak in there bareback, thinking that the hot bartender was just drunk enough not to notice. She wasn’t. Making matters worse was that she asked him if he had a rubber on after he entered her. Playing it cool, Lenny lied and whispered “of course baby,” prompting the bartender to demand to see his cock. Lenny, accurately sensing pending doom, responded by speeding up his rhythm drastically in the hopes of to achieving orgasm before the bartender could make him pull out, an act that only served to enrage her more. When she saw that he was in fact hoodless, the bartender pulled the pool stick out of her rectum and violently rammed it up Lenny’s ass, just as he was bending over to grab his shoes and clothes in the course of making a speedy getaway. Lenny now poops through a colostomy bag.

So there you have it. Based on my virtually encyclopedic knowledge of gangbang history, we can probably safely deduce that either the closer couldn’t perform or someone tried to pull a Lenny in the Hofstra case. Now, some might also point to the unfortunate incident that took place in the Terry Twins Threesome of ’69, but if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million fucking times…A THREESOME DOES NOT MAKE A GANGBANG!

So now you know.