Memo from AT&T to all New Yorkers who may have been hoping to ring in the new year with a brand spanking new iPhone: go fuck yourselves! According to one of their reps, “New York is not ready for the iPhone.” Wait, what?!

Perhaps you’ve heard that the enormous popularity of the iPhone has caused some headaches for AT&T, namely in the form of widespread data network slowdowns and outages, even in rural areas. Along the way, AT&T has denied having any issues with its network, claiming that any hiccups were the fault of the iPhone itself and its users.

Then yesterday someone tipped Consumerist to the fact that AT&T had stopped selling iPhones via the web in New York City. When the Consumerist blogger, Laura Northrup, called AT&T for an explanation, the rep told her that “the phone is not offered to you because New York is not ready for the iPhone.”

Well that’s certainly interesting!

By the grace of God, AT&T has a revolutionary tech product, arguably the most revolutionary of all-time, fall into its lap, helping the company rake in wheelbarrels of cash over the last couple of years, a product researched, developed and manufactured by another non-retarded, forward-thinking company, saving AT&T untold millions in research and development expenses, a product the masses seem to have an insatiable appetite for, thus, all AT&T has to do is merely provide the services they claim to be capable of providing and then sit back and watch their profits continue to go through the roof, and their solution to an increase in demand despite their gross incompetence is to halt sales rather than invest in making the necessary improvements to their staggeringly shitty network? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Making matters perhaps even worse is that today AT&T is peddling some PR spinjob about the iPhone sales shutdown being “due to increased fraudulent activity” instead of the pervasive clusterfuckery they all but admitted yesterday.


As the Fake Steve Jobs pointed out a couple of weeks ago, can you imagine Capitol Records trying to curb sales of Beatles records during the 1960s because high consumer demand caused them to fly off the shelves? Hell no! But that’s basically what AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson, aka the Fidel Castro of modern American enterprise, is doing right now.

When the stars align, and the hardware is great and the ecosystem is great and the apps are great and the whole experience is great, and everything you do just makes everything else better, and you’re totally on a roll and can do no wrong — when that happens, you do not go out and try to fuck it all up by discouraging people who love your product. What you do, instead, is you fix your fucking shitty ass network you fucking shit-eating-grin-wearing hillbilly ass clown!

If there is a God, Apple will be able to use AT&T’s dipshit business practices as a legal tool to sliver out of their contract so that other, more competent service providers can sell the Jesus phone. Sprint sure could use a bone being thrown to them right about now.

Hilariously unfortunate contextual ad screengrab via Twitter