Evil Empirical


Each week, ANIMAL will rank the world’s most despicable, deplorable, and undesirable human beings walking the earth, making the news. Behold: Evil Empirical.

Michael_SteeleMichael Steele
Bad for the game, The Game, game-changers, game spitters, playing games, gamers, game theory, and game hunting. Also, he’s the chairman of the RNC. Thank you for taking a piece of slang we all once loved and appropriating it into a cold, fucked up death.

Khloe Kardashian Khloe Kardashian
Little needs to be explained here besides the fact that the only reason we pay her any mind is because she is the sister of someone famous for having a commendably large ass. That doesn’t mean she has the right to continue the longstanding tradition of ruining professional athletes careers by infecting them with brain disease by way of their penises. Lamar “The Candyman” Odom, look out: Khloe Kardashian is the Chunky of pro athlete hookups. She could poison his brain to the point where he’ll ruin the chances at a championship season for the Lakers, who I could give a fuck about. But LA is suffering, and California’s almost broke. Championship teams create jobs, even if you’re the already-loaded Lakers. Khloe Kardashian is bad for the state of California.

Kenneth_LewisKenneth Lewis
Ken Lewis is Bank of America’s CEO. Merrill Lynch and Bank of America are doing really well! Which means they have no problem paying money to fight the lobby trying to offset the penetrating feeling you experience when a $30 ATM fee is shoved in your wallet for a $2 purchase. Ken Lewis has no problem fucking your wallet. Bank of America’s doing just fine. Because they fuck poor people. In the wallet. Is this not clear? This motherfucker is making you broke.

rita_mullinRita Mullen
You’ve probably never heard of Rita Mullen, but you’ve probably heard of her contribution to society: as the Senior VP of The Learning Channel’s programming, Mullen’s responsible for Jon and Kate Plus 8. Not that I need to remind you, but these people have fucked up eight children beyond repair. The show, naturally, the cause of all of these kids’ inevitable problems in life, is finally over. And what’s TLC doing? After all the drama, heartbreak, sadness, and plainly evident Freudian damage it’s caused? She’s suing Gosselin for breach of contract. Because fuck if those little moneymakers are leaving THIS network. Anybody who can make Jon Gosselin look like he might be doing the right thing at any given moment is a villain.

Richard KeeneMost Evil: Father Falcon aka Richard Keene
An obvious shoo-in. This guy’s delusion and ego is a cockrocket to Mars. So, when it all adds up to most of us spending a day watching a balloon crash to earth, going from “this is hysterical, let’s make an LOLcat out of it” to thinking “this could turn out bad” to continuing to watch and realizing that we’re all the sick fucked up voyeurs we pretty much thought we were, and then finding out that this kid was hiding in a little box in his attic, it kind of adds up and makes sense and we shouldn’t be too shocked that Father Falcon made it to this point.