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Each week, ANIMAL will rank the world’s most despicable, deplorable, and undesirable human beings walking the earth, making the news. Behold: Evil Empirical. This week: your special Minions of Satan edition.

Edwords_ copyFred Edwords, The Atheist: Yes, Fred’s last name is actually spelled “Edwords,” as in, “he’ll EDucate you using little Damien’s patented Ways With WORDS system regarding the proof that God doesn’t exist.” And of course this guy schleps for Satan. (1) He doesn’t want you to know God exists, and (2) they just papered a very God-inhabited city – Boston, who take their God cooked medium-Catholic (best exhibited in their annoying sports teams, whose wins are even more sanctimonious than the goddamn Saints’) – with ads campaigning for their cause on the subways. Yes: while people are trapped underground (close to, where else, Hell), sell them on your Godlessness. Shithead.

captain copyChaplain Thomas Dwyer, The “Buddhist”: Hm. The first “Buddhist” chaplain in the U.S. Army’s history, Thomas Dwyer, is being sent to Iraq. First of all, does this guy look like a Buddhist to you? Right. And my mother’s Black. But, whatever, let’s say his latest reincarnation on his way to nirvana left him lookin’ a little nilla. Isn’t the first of Buddhism’s five moral precepts “Ahimsa,” or the philosophy of avoiding any violence at all times? It is. So why would this guy even remotely dignify the WAR in Iraq by going there? Conventional wisdom might suggest that he’s there to help the problem. Helping the problem would be not making it any easier for people to kill other people. This guy’s sluffing on Infantry duty as an agent of Shiva’s. Dick.

Boland copyJ. Kevin Boland, The Catholic
The Catholics love Satan, and they love to invoke him, too. I mean, Jesus, Joe, and Mary: the mob? Irish and Italians. Who are what? Yeah. Catholic. But the mob is dead, right? And hey, even if they’re not, they’re definitely not in Savannah, Georgia, right? Wrong, and wrong. This Col. Sanders-lookin’ asshole is J. Kevin Boland. Don’t let his Mr. Magoo-exterior fool you. He’s the head of The Catholic Diocese of Savannah, who just shelled out $4.2M to shut up a victim of Wayland Y. Brown, a former Savannah priest who sexually abused a boy for five years, from the time this kid was 10 until he was 14. So why isn’t Brown on the list instead of Boland? Because Boland exploited the victim’s “original sin” of Greed and paid him off, instead of letting the Lord work in his “mysterious ways” and letting the Diocese get fuckin’ rolled. The Morning Star thinks this guy’s a superstar. Asshole.

102909 Rabia SarwarPMRabia Sarwar, The Muslim
To paraphrase The Lord’s benevolent servant, Samuel L. Jackson: TELL THAT BITCH TO BE COOL! Rabia Sarwar made the front of the New York Post today, replete with the genius, They-Don’t-Teach-That-In-J-School lede of “Die, infidel!” What’d Sarwar do to get so cuddly with Satan? Well, for one thing, she lives on Staten Island, which is a figurative stone’s throw away from the Fifth Layer of the Inferno, New Jersey (literally, it’s more like God’s Spitting Distance). For another, she slashed the neck of her husband  at 3AM while screaming “It’s time for you to die!” Her mans was trying to get her to drink, eat pork, and wear revealing clothes, which basically sounds like Wednesday, except when you’re a psychotic wifey who thinks she’s Doing teh Allah’s Work, it’s grounds for a stabbin’. Thanks for reinforcing the nightmare of every man, ever, anywhere, regardless of skin color or religion: that you’ll cut us up for suggesting you not wear those mom jeans. Bitch.

rabbi_shmuley_boteach copyMost Evil: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, The Jew
Okay, so, Jews don’t believe in hell or The Devil. Whatever. This guy’s definitely spent some time licking Lucifer’s loins (or, for the Yiddish-inclined among you: scrubbing the schmaltz from Satan’s schmuck…with a schmatah). First off: it’s bad enough he’s an Orthodox Rabbi for the multinational corporation synagogue Chabad-Lubavitch. While not overt about it anymore, Hasidic Chabad members see themselves as far above all other Jews. As a Jew who doesn’t really give a shit about being Jewish (other than the Media-Industrial Complex membership it hooks me up with), I could care less. But Chabad’s rabbis have a reputation for being misogynists, sketchy, and out-and-out assholes. Whatever, that’s every religion. But ask yourself this: which religion would accept Jon Gosselin – not even one of their own – on their altar, and help him work out his issues for a nosh of  Gosselin’s child-exploiting fame? Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s! How bad is this? By the numbers, Jon’s got eight kids to fuck up. Take a guess how many Shmuley has. No, really. Guess.

Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

The reason the Jews don’t have to fear the Devil or Hell? Because, like everything else, they’ve got a fuckin’ monopoly on it, that’s why. Fuckface.