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A shocking new study by the Center for Science in the Public Interest finds that popcorn slathered in butter, massive boxes of sugary candy, and assload-sized cups of carbonated beverages loaded with non-fructose corn syrup actually lack much nutritional value. Well slap me in the cock and call me Clarence!

The CSPI study comes on the heels of a similar study the group conducted 15 years ago which found that 90s-era movie theater food also lacked in nutritional value. Shocking.

A medium-sized popcorn and medium soda at the nation’s largest movie chain pack the nutritional equivalent of three Quarter Pounders topped with 12 pats of butter, according to a report released today by the advocacy group Center for Science in the Public Interest.

CSPI bought multiple servings of popcorn from the three largest movie chains, Regal Entertainment Group, AMC and Cinemark, and had them analyzed in an independent lab.

It found that a Regal medium popcorn — 20 cups — contains 1,200 calories, 60 grams of saturated fat, and 980 milligrams of sodium. That’s without the buttery topping that can be drizzled — or poured — on the popcorn, which adds another 200 calories and 3 grams of saturated fat per 1.5 tablespoons.

You have to wonder if the folks at the CPSI have ever taken into consideration that people actually enjoy being gluttonous when they go to the movies? After all, we go to the movies to lose ourselves, to be entertained inside of a false reality, so it stands to reason that many of us might actually enjoy eating crap that we normally wouldn’t eat in the course of escaping our own reality to exist in another. Maybe the next time the CPSI seeks to save us from ourselves they can remind us that condomless sex involves the potential for unfortunate consequences? Thanks for nothing, assholes!