black friday mob

Now that we’ve all shown our appreciation to the universe for the gifts its bestowed upon us by engorging ourselves on steroid-laden fowl, creamed green beans topped with stale onion rings from a can and gelatinous cranberry molds, it’s time to whip out our big, capitalist, American dongs and buy some shit.

Yes, today is Black Friday, the one day of the year where the nation’s Walmart stores transform into the nation’s killing fields, as normally reasonable people risk death and dismemberment for cheap DVDs. People buying shit they don’t need with money they don’t have is what makes this coal-powered locomotive we call America run you know, so it should probably come as no surprise that an estimated 52% of the country’s population will visit a retail store today and make a purchase.

Reports the Washington Post:

Consulting firm Accenture predicts that about 52 percent of American consumers plan to hit the stores on that day, up from 42 percent last year. By Sunday, 134 million people are likely to have gone shopping, according to the National Retail Federation, a trade group, up nearly 5 percent over last year.

What’s the over under on deaths by frenzied consumer stampede this year? I’m going with three. Yep, that sounds about right. Y’all be safe out there, okay!