300px-Bronson Last week the actor Bronson Pinchot, perhaps best known as Balki Bartokomous on Perfect Strangers, burst back on the public scene with a brutally honest and tremendously endearing AV Club interview in which he insinuated that Tom Cruise was a raging homophobe during the filming of Risky Business, Bette Midler is a raging bitch and Denzel Washington is a pompous asshole. Then just yesterday a blog written by Bronson Pinchot popped up on Tumblr and I now feel overcome with an unrelenting urge to murder Bronson Pinchot.

Why? Because he posts nonsense every 15 minutes or so that makes no sense to no one other than, presumably, Bronson Pinchot. It’s as if he’s monkey that’s been left alone in a room with a mountain of cocaine and now he’s snorted it all is just slinging his feces all over the place. Case in point:

Tumblr didn’t wake this morning no matter how hard I shook it. We are in the Emergency Room now and, frustratingly, all the humans seem to have priority for some reason; so Tumblr is lying in my lap weak and ill and close to death. I will have to think of something to tell the nurses besides the truth, which is that I used Tumblr to its breaking point. I tried to buy a place in line from an old lady with some sort of vertebra issue — I didn’t pry, although her neck was Z-shaped — by peeling off some fifties, but her kids caught us in the act of making a deal, which included some Ativan and a neck rub. For me. I hope Tumblr makes it. Wait — here come a pair of twins whose de-fusing has caused unexpected (and messy) complications. I’ll see if the roll of fifties works on their parents, who look distracted.

And on and on and on it goes. The guy has spent the past 24 hours just queefing out nonsense all over the place. So congratulations Bronson Pinchot…in a span of approximately 24 hours on the internet, you’ve managed to become not only the most annoying celebrity blogger of all-time, but the most annoying blogger of all-time period. That’s some rather extraordinary talent right there my friend.


Now please, crawl back into whatever hole you’ve been hiding in for the past 20 years. You had a great chance to re-establish yourself, and you fucking blew it. Go away. Or, as Cody Nicholson so eloquently put it in True Romance…”You’re an actor. Act, motherfucker!”