fish_killer_murder No, the headline above isn’t some clever metaphor. Some poor sap really did stab his girlfriend’s pet fish — that he gave her as a gift — during a domestic dispute, and she really did call the cops on him for it and he really did get sentenced to two years probation AND he really has to undergo a psychiatric evaluation AND he really has pay $617 in fines AND he really has to perform 80 hours of community service for KILLING A FREAKING FISH! This is just retarded in every possible way.

Donald Earl Fite III’s attorney said that his client is “absolutely mortified and ashamed about what he did to the fish” and added that it was “a very low point” in his life.

Reports the Oregonian:

According to an affidavit filed with the court, Sarah Harris had broken up with Fite, but returned to her East Burnside Street apartment in Portland last July 25 to find Fite lying on her bed. Fite wanted to get back together, but Harris didn’t.

When she told him she had plans that evening, Harris refused to let her leave the room she was in, the bathroom, according to the affidavit. She tried to push past him. He threw her against a wall. She again tried to leave, punching him in the nose to get by. He grabbed her by the hair and threw her against the bathtub – ripping out her hair extensions and causing her to hit her head.

She escaped and called 9-1-1 from a pay phone. When she returned with an officer, she discovered her fish, a brilliant purple betta named DeLorean, had been impaled on her wood floor. It still had a knife sticking through it.

Fite admitted to police that he killed the betta, saying, “If she can’t have me, then she can’t have the fish.”

Wait, it gets better…the girlfriend requested that the court order Fite to pay restitution in the form of paying for her to get a tattoo of the dead fish as a memorial, but the judge denied it. The judge also denied a motion to that would’ve required Fite to stay away from live fish.

And no, this isn’t from The Onion, it’s from Portland, Oregon’s local paper. With that said, here’s hoping that “If she can’t have me, then she can’t have the fish” becomes the rallying cry for disgruntled dumped men across the country.