STANDARD HOTEL BOOM BOOM ROOM

Jacob Bernstein has a piece on The Daily Beast today about how the “Boom Boom Room” on the 18th floor of the NYC Standard Hotel is “the new Studio 54.” First off, can people just fucking stop calling anything “the new Studio 54.”

Secondly, the piece, which higlights boldface names like “Willem Dafoe and Mark Consuelos,” reads as though it was written by a publicist for the hotel, like it’s a “sponsored post,” only not…I think?

Anyway, maybe reading such a piece makes the “Boom Boom Room” sound enticing to someone living in Omaha, Nebraska or Boise, Idaho, but I think most true New Yorkers will read it and have the same thought I did: Avoid this place like you’d avoid unprotected sex with a contestant from Rock of Love. Let us count the ways:

The opening of the 18th floor at New York’s Standard Hotel in September drew everyone from Demi Moore to Calvin Klein. A few weeks later, Madonna hosted a party for Valentino at which her boyfriend, Jesus Luz, took to the turntables. Models like Lily Cole and Agyness Deyn turn up regularly. And when Bono and Mick Jagger needed a nightcap after their performance at the 25th anniversary concert for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, this is where they came.

With floor-to-ceiling windows, and a martini lounge-look worthy of Mad Men (or The Stork Club), the 18th floor is the new oasis for the jet set, the city’s latest epicenter for those at the top tier of society, fashion, and Hollywood.

Even the drama to get in is a throwback to another era, before bottle service became the centerpiece of the nightlife industry and AmEx black cards turned into the preferred form of ID around town.

The bulk of the 18th floor’s regulars are there because they’re social connectors who were placed in a database by (Owner Andre) Balazs. Each of these people has their phone number stored there and is caller ID’d when they make reservations. When guests call (preferably several hours in advance), a woman on the other end of the line asks what time the reservation is for, then takes a callback number and goes to the maitre d’ for approval.

On a recent Wednesday night, Heidi Klum, Edward Norton, and Russell Simmons were all in the house. A DJ was cranking old disco tunes, everything from the Bee Gees to Chaka Khan. That Friday, the most famous people in attendance were Willem Dafoe and Mark Consuelos, who was hanging out at a banquette in the main room with a couple of pals.

Reporters who make it past the doors are allowed to observe, but notebooks are frowned upon, as is walking up to celebrities for quotes (unless at parties like the Valentino affair, where press is pre-approved).

“That’s what makes it fun,” says one sometime attendee, who attended the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame afterparty. “It was just rock royalty, the most famous musicians in the world hanging out for a couple hours without anyone there to bother them.”

Yeah, I’m guessing that this is an unacknowledged sponsored post bought and paid for by The Standard, or perhaps Andre Balazs used his friendship with Tina Brown to secure a nice little internet puff piece about his new spot. But regardless of how the piece came to fruition, the “Boom Boom Room” sounds like nothing more than a den of smoldering pretentiousness filled with has-beens, wannabes, trainwreck celebrities and staggering douchebags, but with a nice view of Jersey! Besides, anyone who knows the downtown New York scene knows that any place truly “hip” and “cool” is hyper-aware that mystery and influential word of mouth are their best friends, meaning they’d never allow a piece like Bernstein’s to be written about them in the first place. That’s just the way it is.

However, if you feel in need of further proof of this joint’s probable shitteousness, here’s the money shot:

Flagrant drug use is, if not verboten, out of style. And the dress code is basically designer.

So you have to dress up and drug use is frowned upon? Fuck that! This place should be fire-bombed.

Boom Boom Room pic via Guest of a Guest