Even though I didn’t steal near the amount that was alleged, I do admit to manipulating my fair share of individuals (usually out of semen and chocolate). However, I don’t even come close to touching these dudes:

James Rubin Rowe: This guy hatched crazy-intelligent embezzlement schemes that would give Bernie Madoff a run for his money, if only they had continued to work. Along the way he convinced individuals that he was a professional football star, a former Navy Seal, a Microsoft investor (which was true in a way, since he stole copious amounts of scrilla from two Microsoft executives, to fund his ski equipment shop), successful restaurateur, and semi-professional stained-glass anal bead entrepreneur. He, at one point, stole his (years) dead best friend Steve Heitman’s identity by paying the funeral home, community college, and DMV a little visit; then lived as him for several months. At the time, he was running a convincing investment banking institution from a Navy Seal yard on the coast–gaining access by auspiciously portraying a Navy Seal official, complete with fancy badges and honors, and probably some grade-A blumpies.
Total Damage Done: Millions.

Frédéric Bourdin: A serial impostor who has been given the moniker “The Chameleon“, which I think we can all agree is not nearly as charming as “The Hipster Grifter”. As of 2005, Bourdin has had 39 various identities; three of which were actual missing persons. His most publicized stunt was as missing kid, Nicholas Barclay of San Antonio, Texas. In 1997 he convinced Nicholas’ family that he was indeed Nicholas, and lived with them (fucking lived with them) for three months, before a private investigator ousted him. After that, even though he appeared publicly on both French and American television and was jailed, he continued his shifty ways; portraying himself as three (known) others, to date. Three years ago Frédéric got married, got up in some guts, and got a baby girl. These days he’s posted up, with his family, in Pau, France.
Total Damage Done: No real monetary amount; but if we measured dollars in tears, he’d be a lone Indian sitting atop a trash heap.

Robert Freegard: A freedom-hater (see: British) car salesman, barroom proprietor, and disencumberer (it’s a word now; suck it) of Benjamins (or whatever it is those non-Americans have). He convinced five women (along with their friends and families) that he was a M15 operative, and in the process of doing that stole hundreds of thousands of pounds. Freegard also tried to convince one of the women to kill her son, and told her that he had taken out a murder contract on both of them. He also had a penchant for locking people in bathrooms, which sounds like some real next-level shit to me.
Total Damage Done: I told you, hundreds of thousands of those things that kind of look like an ampersand, but aren’t.

So, you know, at least I didn’t do all of that.

Photo of C.R.E.A.M. stencil: GammaBlog