The other day a potential victim told me that he had shaved his face, and all attraction to him immediately went to Rikers Island to have buttsex and die. Is it wrong to consider something like hair as a deal breaker? I know that there’s much more to a person than a pretty, bearded face–really there isn’t, but for the purpose of this column let’s pretend—but is there more to a person than a mess of ramen-like pubic hair?

Through my extensive research (watching Air Bud: Golden Receiver, and breathing), it seems that the general population of America is 50/50 on this one; though there are adamant supporters of both sides. It’s interesting that something as paltry as this could spur such great debate, seeing as everyone knows that only twinks and gypsy whores shave completely. I am both, just so you know.

Maybe it is because I watch copious amounts of pornographic material, but I always assumed that people liked the Max Brenner (minus the off-brown liquid). There are, of course, sites and forums that dedicate themselves completely to women and the hair that they treat as a fine topiary. It seems on average, though, that the area is wholly unoccupied (in porn). Which makes me wonder how different generations perceive pubes, and what the next batch of technology-saturated scumbags are going to think about ‘em.

Using tactics that I learned in an infomercial about market research, I decided to ask around to see what the “average” American thought. When posed the “What do you think about pubic hair?” question, every person I approached assumed I was asking them about their own. I then had to clarify, and say “No, I mean on the bag of flesh that you’re fucking”. Scott and Liz shouted “BRING BACK THE MUFF!” Bearded Boy #1‘s alarmingly quick response was “It’s a woman’s choice! Just like abortions or…dish soap brands? I don’t know, put something sexist.” Vince Mancini responded with a 12-step regimen, but this is all I have room to include: “…remove all hair on the lower labial area, unless your dude has a fantasy about getting a mustache ride from Tom Selleck (not that there’s anything wrong with that…).” And because the only girls I talk to are ones that have great tits, and would let me crawl inside of them, Joanna Angel replied with “I think girls with no public hair look like little kids…but a full bush that goes to your thighs, that hasn’t been trimmed at all, is unacceptable.” Like I said, AVERAGE AMERICANS.

Whether you are a proponent of the au naturale look, appreciator of the bare minimum, or anything in between; can we all just agree that the little treasure trove beneath that much-debated area is fun to shove things into?

Photo of hairless cat: Jedi Grand Master Yoda