The Utah Jazz played the Charlotte Bobcats last night, and surprisingly to some, they won. Carlos Boozer, the Jazz’s power forward, scored a mad decent 33 points, and a recently injured D-Will chalked up 12 assists. Golden pony boy, Kyle Korver, sunk four three-pointers in the final quarter, and Wesley Matthews hit one from 14 feet. Now, no offense to the general ANIMAL reader, I assume that no more than 30% of you have any idea what I am talking about, and are as lost as a black man in a synagogue (they can’t read maps!).

My love for basketball runs deep, and that’s partially due to the fact that I like watching large men flop around in very thin material; it’s my version of the up-skirt. Wait, that’s what the Winter Olympics are mainly comprised of? How come no one told me?

My one major qualm with the people I know (who are of predominantly European descent, have an affinity for a wide array of music–but have a large appreciation for things that are “underground”–have a specific fashion sense that only American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, and the local transient can sufficiently provide for, and pretend to like/hate Chuck Klosterman) is that most don’t have The Fever like I do. They’d rather sulk in the corner, reading their Proust, drinking their fair-trade coffee, while listening to an 80’s-showgaze- throwback band on their iPod.

Now, I understand that basketball these days is nothing compared to basketball of year’s past, and nothing can come close to touching the good ol’ days of Maravich, Rambis, Hardaway, and of course the great John Stockton, Karl Malone, and Jeff Hornacek (so clutch!). BUT STILL. It is far better than anything else out there. I mean, football? Come on. Watching 300 pound behemoths pile on top of each other in some strange reenactment of Ancient Greek traditions just doesn’t do it for me. Baseball? If I wanted to watch steroid-ridden assholes run around a glorified square, I’d move to some gay European country. Soccer? Slightly better than baseball, but it would be grounds for deportment if I supported a non-American speaking team. As for bowling, poker, and skeet shooting, I only like them when they’re being used as euphemisms for fucking.

There has always been a rivalry between bro’s and Bedford’s finest, but why? You both drink massive quantities of alcohol, specifically cheap-ass beer; you both wear no-longer-ironic tops and ill-fitting hats; most of your nights end the same (slumped over); and you all have an inclination to give high-fives whenever the opportunity presents itself. Also, date rape.

In the words of Biggie Smalls (whom, by the way, both of you claim to like), “Can’t we just all get along?” Because, Lord knows we all love to party and bullshit. Plus, there are some gals out there who will give you double the amount of sweet beej’s, if you’d just watch the damn game with her.