My favourite grifter, the ignominious Bernard Madoff, was arrested and thrown in da clink last year for outsmarting thousands out of billions, in what could be called the greatest swindle of all time. From the get-go, it was quite obvious that good ol’ Bernie and I had more than stealing money in common; telling people about our “cancer” and faking pregnancies was also in our repertoire.

One thing, however, that Madoff’s incarceration extravaganza has offered that mine didn’t, is a bona fide beatdown (accompanied by a possible biracial bukkake sesh). He is clearly trying to get all he can out of his experience before his possible parole in, oh, never.

The New York Post reported talk of his impending one-sided showdown all the way back in July of 2009, but no one really took it to heart, because it’s–you know–the New York Post. According to one of his fellow inmate’s-boyfriend’s-sister’s-manicurist’s-son’s-friends, some of the other dudes were looking to smack a bitch up, just for the notoriety that would surely come with it.

Come to find out, shit was real. It was reported yesterday by the Wall Street Journal (owned by Rupert Murdoch as well, but still considered more credible) Mr. Mad had his ass handed to him last December, over purportedly owed money. He was promptly treated for fractured ribs, lacerations to the head and face, and a broken Jew beak. However, a spokesperson for the Chateau Butner denies all allegations, and said that the scuffle would be “virtually impossible” to have taken place.

If I know anything from being locked up, it’s that the guards and correction officers never know what’s going on (how else would I have smuggled in that 52 pound ball of coke and two pound beef stick?). People were snorting Ibuprofen left and right, and developing mad addictions to various decongestants on the regular. Meanwhile, fights were taking place out in the rec yard (see: concrete box with lid) somewhat frequently, and hate fucking wasn’t as rare as you’d like to think (unfortunately never happened to me).

Bernie has since made a full recovery, and is continuing his newly acquired positions as jailhouse stockbroker and table maker with finesse. If anything, he should have taken a tip from his niece, Shana, and contacted these guys to teach him how to speak like a black criminal, and avoid correctional kerfuffles.

One dollar donated to retards–or whatever they are– by me, on behalf of B.M., because I’m awesome.