Empire State of Whine
I’m a jaded and narcissistic asshole, so I really can’t imagine calling anywhere but New York City home. It’s a city comprised of therapists, transients, and moguls affixed to one another with the thick paste of burning trash and rat feces. Throughout the time that I have lived here, I have only met one or two people that really can’t stand the city–both, for whatever god-awful reason, preferring LA–the majority of folks having major nu-hometown-pride.
And why wouldn’t you? There’s a good reason that you don’t often hear the phrase, “Only in Columbus, Ohio,” or “I saw the craziest man walking down the street in Scranton.” Where else, besides New York, could you see a furry playing a xylophone, adjacent to an illegal immigrant selling churros, standing directly behind a dude that looks like a Dresden survivor hawking his poetry? Maybe Canada, if you’re lucky, but mostly NYC.
When I first moved to the city I was completely dumbfounded. I came from a place where the culture was Mormon, and when there was a Craigslist missed connection written about an Asian, I knew it was me, because I was the only one in the whole state. Suddenly being thrust into a place with actual diversity, counterculture, and real live black people blew my fucking mind. I remember walking into JFK and seeing a Hasidic Jew, and thinking that I had bridged the space-time continuum, or something, because there was no way I was in America in the 2000’s. I slowly circled around him, the way one might around a sleeping Doberman pinscher, wary of making eye contact, until I realized that he wasn’t just a figment of my imagination, and kept trying to sell me diamonds.
I’ve been told that the town that I live in used to be a terrible place to reside, about ten years ago. Lots of gang warfare, fried chicken, and drugs. We now have cute cafés, charming boutiques, well-lit parks, and as with all gentrification, drugs. It’s hard for me to think of that area being a dilapidated scene for screaming bullets opposed to a set for drunken Sunday kickball. So, where did all of those former residents go? Did we take a tip from our forefathers and gift them with Malaria blankets, or did we simply shuttle them out to another impoverished area?
Despite all of the nitty-gritty, and escalating crime rates, New York is still a hotpot of diverse individuals getting along and working together, for the most part. It’s like stepping into the “I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke” commercial every day. That is, until you see the heroin-addicted Puerto Rican guy holding a razor blade up to the possibly-white-possibly-albino-African-American guy’s throat. Then it’s just like what you imagined the city to be like, in your dreams before you arrived.
Editor-in-Chief:
Well, reading that post is 45 seconds of my life I won't be getting back. So stupid.
Not bad. I like surrealism, irony, and satire.
Just try to keep the small details in line, in case anyone who knows the difference is paying attention. (Malaria cannot be transmitted by blankets. However, as Governor-General of British North America and a military commander in 1763, Jeffery [sic] Amherst did write a letter in which he proposed distributing smallpox-infected blankets among Native Americans during Pontiac's Rebellion.)
WTF is this woman talking about? Really, what a waste of space, with so much going on in the world right now. Please Kari, vacate NYC now and leave us with one less asshole.
That was. contradictory, annoying and just shit. There's loads of websites out there Animal, and this traffic strategy has lost you a reader. Best of luck.
Animal, please get this sociopath off your site now. She is poison. I really hope Animal can pull itself out of the shithole these postings are sucking it into. There are so many other excellent writers on Animal, people with real feelings, real things to say and thoughts that people can clearly identify with. But this is just bottom scraping, for the sake of – what? My feathers aren't getting ruffled. I just want to vomit after reading her shit.
따른 미합중국 연방정부의 저작물로, 미국에서 퍼블릭 도메인에 속합니다. 저작권을 참고하세요.
주의사항: 이 라이선스는 미합중국 연방정부의 저작물에 대해서만 효력이 있으며, 미국 국민, 주정부, 기타 지방 자치체가 작성한 저작물에 대해서는 적용되지 않으며, 미국
Translation: you have shamed your ancestors, Kari. Stop the insanity.
Fuuuhhhck.
What a waste.
I'm with you Mike.
The only people who talk about New York in this way are people who are not originally from New York.
TEAM KARI.
WE SOCIOPATHS GOTTA STICK TOGETHER.
Linda, i agree!
Kari, you are NOT a New Yorker. Please, go away.
Nice racisty remarks about the Jewish dude. I am sorry that you're real parents didn't love you and gave you away or sold you or whatever.
I second that, MadTax! Sociopaths get a bum rap. The internet is nothing without the musings of lovely sociopaths like Kari.
This native New Yorker is glad to have Kari among us. The Mormons' loss.
And Animal is a great blog, but Kari's section is what keeps me among the readership. Although, some of the hate-comments are hilarious to read, so much of the credit goes to the audience itself…
Breaking news: NYC is a crazy place to live! Next up: what's the deal with airline food?
Kari isn't even from new york.
Dresden survivor?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Typing out random words when you're trying to be poetic about a city you're not even fucking from is not clever or endearing, and neither is a large vocabulary. Go use thesaurus.com somewhere else and kindly vacate the site I USED to really enjoy. Bucky…you can't value traffic so much more than content, can you? For fuck's sake.
What's with all the hate? For the first time since she's started writing for Animal, Kari actually posted a well-written, thoughtful and somewhat entertaining article. Give the girl a break. Also, Linda, maDTAXIDERMIST and the rest, none of you people are really from New York. You all moved here from other places. And that's okay. I was born and raised here [Manhattan, not (heavens forbid) the outer boroughs] and I'd rather be around more of you guys than the conceited douchebags I grew up with. So STFU and stop pretending you're from New York (unless you really are) and enjoy Kari's first decent article.
Nah, this sociopathic bitch will move on to LA soon. I'm sure she all ready feels the siren call of Hollywood hipsters and their cash.
I don't think @FOLLICAL AFFECIONADO is real. Kerri shill!!
I used to think Hasidic people were Amish. Every time I see a Hasidic boy, I still want to go up to him and ask if he was in the movie, Witness.
Pageviews talk; comments walk.
(Or something like that.)
what a waste
Here's the truth about Salt Lake City, Kari: You know perfectly well that if you don't want to interact with Mormons, you don't have to. That everybody accepted you here. That there are many Asians around, if your narcissism doesn't blind you to them. Especially at the University. Oh, wait… you didn't bother much with education, did you? Nah, what you did was scam and alienate everyone who cared about you, here and in NYC. The people whose misfortune allowed you to get a job that a thoughtful, talented writer would be prepared for. So let's call a spade a spade, shall we? Your problem was never Utah, Kari. Your problem is you.
Good luck New Yorkers, native and non. I visit often, and you're some of the friendliest and most open people I've had the privilege of meeting. It's too damn bad that this parasite considers herself one of you.