I Am a Raging Disease
The other day I had an interview and one of the questions asked was something to the effect of “Your writing is banal and of a very low caliber; why do you deserve this column more than a real writer?” Clearly, the answer is: I don’t. I’m not good at it, and I can’t imagine why any of you keep coming back for more. In fact, I hate writing. As you all know though, there’s big money in blogging, and I’m just waiting for the day that I can cash in and buy out Halliburton.
This column was presented to me as an opportunity to write about whatever bullshit I deemed worthy. As a result of that misguided decision (on the editor’s part), you get to hear me ramble on about double-double-penetration and cephalopods. Not what anyone would consider literary gold.
Every day I sit there, diddling myself, hoping for a decent topic to come to mind. After a good 20 minutes of watching someone choke on a throbbing muscle the size of my forearm, I clean myself up, and get to typing. Generally there is no structure, standardized format, or style. I pound the keys with my magic Asian fingers, and hope that what appears on the screen is mediocre at best.
I am lambasted for writing about myself on a fairly consistent basis (and by “fairly” I obviously mean “super”), but it seems to rile people up, and I’ve always wanted to check “instigator of race war” off the ol’ bucket list. Really though, it’s hard to know what people want to read about, and I have a somewhat cynical and obnoxious (and by “somewhat” I obviously mean “totally”) persona to maintain. And forget about ever being taken seriously, or not seriously, ever again. I don’t know if it’s that the majority of readers don’t have a sense of humor, or are straight-up retards (and not the fun kind), because who would ever think I was being genuine about how awesome it is to have a steady flow of unwanted discharge pouring out of a hole between your legs?
I guess what I’m trying to say is: fuck you. I know that I’m awful, but I’ve got to pay the bills somehow. And unless you want me all up-ons your identity, I’d suggest that you read the bylines, and after the 60 seconds or so that it takes for you to process that information and what it signifies, skip over my posts. Or, if you’d like to be reminded how someone much less qualified than you has a job that you’d like and maybe even went to school for, keep reading!
Oh, and thank you to those readers that, despite praying for me to be dragged down Murder Alley, come up with comments that are more intelligible than “CHINK GOOK.” You’re the best.
Editor-in-Chief:
Kari. Personally I would like your insight on choosing the proper couplings for leak-free hydraulic systems… and casual encounters in Utah.
yawn
Also you steal a good 25 percent of your ideas from me. Let's not forget.
fucking boring.
you know you're getting fired, right?
@Peter Beltaine. Get back to your clipboard and put your polo back on or your fired. Those children don't save themselves!
shit, all i do for a job is sell curio and rags in madison.
but i'm grateful for a paycheck, unlike this wretched cunt.
Kari…why are you so self-depreciating all the time? Seriously.
Clearly the rantings of someone who is about to get SO FUCKIN FIRED.
Once Animal rids itself of this awful, poisoned, self-absorbed sociopath we can all go back to enjoying, sharing and identifying with each and every one of Animal's clever, creative, catty posts from it's otherwise excellent writers.
Kari, If you're just doing this for the money, there's always a job at the Post Office – or maybe at an MTA Token Booth – and you can be as ungrateful as you like on a daily basis and not pollute the web with your vile, insignificant, and really just plain shitty writing.
I think this entry should of been entitled " call the waaaaaambulance."
Personally, I think your posts are great. Nobody is forced to read your shit if they don't like it, fuck 'em.
All the infections that the sun sucks up
From bogs, fens, flats, on Prosper fall, and make him
By inch-meal a disease!
At least you know yourself, you ignorant slut
You people are such assholes. Seriously. Who in their right mind comes to a blog over and over again so they can anonymously ridicule the poster. Get a life.
I agree with the tattoo
I like your posts, they're funny in a sick and twisted sort of way. Besides, you talk about fucking and I dig that!
Who cares if no one is using your stuff as reference material for their thesis. You're not supposed to be a journalist. You're supposed to be a screwed up ex-con who's trying to get laid and pay the bills (just like the rest of us).
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke
Ride UTA
I love Kari Ferrell and her writing but it's probably only because I have a thing for asian girls. These articles could be written in Korean and I would keep coming back for more.
kari's tattoo's right both times.
never understood people rushing in to comment how lame some blog post is over and over and over. bucky seems ok with kari for now, and its his house pretty much. you can go to another party… course, if you do head out, the biggest change will be that kari's posts will only get as many comments as the other posts here at animal and not the usual 10x that amount…
i think she's a funny read – - could use more links, and "unwanted discharge" should always link to sugar ray.
Dear depressed masturbators,
Kari did her sentence, she's working at an honest job and she's a good writer with something to say.
Don't like the writing here? Go back to your tranny gangbang porn.
This is my real name, so please…find me. We can talk about why your mommies killed themselves.
Judgmental c*nts. Get dead.
Yo, I love your shit Kari. You're funny and surprisingly good at this shit – I can't believe you've just fallen into it 'cos you write like it's what you shouldve been doing all along. Don't usually comment but felt you should know that it's not just haters in the crowd here. Keep it raw!
While I agree that the commenters who come on to Kari's posts just to obsessively bash her are annoying and lame, the comments defending her and kissing her ass are 1000x worse. While she may not deserve online stalking and berating, her writing's still not worthy of coming to the defense to either.
digiart2001 is such a loser. sitting in damp corner, crying while frantically beating off with one dirty sock on and a dunce cap that reads "kari".
I love all the Kari shills on here licking her ass and lying that she's not a shit writer. Oh and Tattoo…you know why she uses self deprecation? It's to gain sympathy. If you read any articles on sociopaths they'll tell you it's their number one trick to gain trust. You remember, like the cancer thing.
I read your shit cause I like it.
You are a much better writer than Marina.
STUMPY IS WRONG.
Unfortunately, as long this god-awful drivel is generating page hits they'll keep her around. Perhaps then, they can find some real advertisers. Charitywater.org ain't gonna bankroll this thing forever ya know….
will you be attending this? it's my job to know.
4TH DISTRICT COURT – PROVO
CLAUDIA LAYCOCK March 24, 2010
Second Floor, Rm 201 Wednesday
——————————————————————————
INITIAL APPEARANCE PRO 101400191 State Felony
STATE OF UTAH ATTY:
VS.
FERRELL, KARI M ATTY:
OTN: DOB: 02/26/1987
F3 – THEFT – 07/30/08