Knock on Wood
Today one of Tiger Woods’ 40 virgins launched a website with over 100 text messages allegedly received from the golf pro. These text messages expose Tiger as the chauvinistic badass we all knew he was anyway.
Joslyn’s website doesn’t include any of her messages, but as far as I can tell from Tiger’s, she must have only responded in monosyllabic grunts and moans; which come to think of it, may have just been enough to get him off. Seriously though, if these text messages are indicative of how the actual intercourse between the two must have been, I feel sorry for all parties involved.
Here are a few choice messages from the site:
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Does this mean that he doesn’t currently possess the ability to reign terror on white pussy? It’s hard to assemble, and you have to be good at following directions, but you can buy that shit at Ikea. Get on it, Tigez.
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Okay, this is what I’m talking about, but pace yourself! All of this in one text message? I don’t have the brain capacity to process “cock in your ass” and “down your throat” all at the same time. Where’s the suspense? It’s not worth it to choke myself if all of this information is going to come at the same time. This would have been perfect as a series of three, and an overabundance of ellipses.
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
This message proves that Tiger Woods’ uses a shitty phone that automatically capitalizes the word “fuck,” and has no comprehension of punctuation. On another note, he owns that ass, and it only came at the low, low price of his dignity.
Tiger:Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009:
I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but i will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before i go:)
You have to give it to the guy, he really knows how to work his half-black magic. Promises of short appearances and sweets in exchange for awful copulation in a seedy trailer. Sounds like a fair trade to me.
Tiger:Sent: 07:35 PM 09/08/2009:
Having a few issues at home. Might be a little later before i see you tonight
This is when Tiger couldn’t figure out how to program the DVR and his wife kept dropping the kid.
Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 10/04/2009:
Oh my god. If they were with me. You would have ruined everything
Remember when the big news was just that Tiger got in a car accident? I miss those times of such innocence.
Tiger:Sent: 07:43 PM 09/09/2009:
Great thing is we have a life time of this
A lifetime of marital affairs, cum-stained nine irons, and ass-fucking.
So, the moral of this enthralling story is: If you have a wife and children, but are fucking around on them, be smart enough to use this. If you disregard my advice, and your textual intercourse is going to be released for the whole world to see, at least make it interesting. I wouldn’t have gotten off to these messages when I was fourteen; and the only reason I did today is because I just bought stock in Skippy and I’m at my mom’s house.
Editor-in-Chief:
Much, much better today Kari. Now this is Animal-worthy writing, and the least self-absorbed piece you have written all week. You must have taken your meds today. There is hope after all!
kari i have always enjoyed your writing, but this one of your best to date. id like to wait until your memoir comes out to read more about you.
animal, good job hiring this girl, she
will keep you afloat.
I was hoping he would use golf analogies. for instance.
Call Big Bertha and lets get this double eagle going. # Ill meet you at the nearest point of relief. Cant wait to see your mouthy wedge with the pink lady. etc
Best Tiger text coverage out there.
Yep yep. The above commentators are all on the money: great piece!
This is some funny shit. Well played, Kari.
OK, now queue the oh-so-clever women/Asian hate in 3, 2, 1….
Well, there you go. His wife was probably didn't like the dirty porn-sex, that's why he looked elsewhere. If she was a bisexual slut everything would've been fine.
I say he should say "screw the sex rehab" and marry JJ when it all cools down. He doesn't owe anyone (except his offspring) anything.
More of this, Girl! I knew you could do it. Got the down 'n dirty on The Wood, without ONCE spewing on and on about how fucked up your little self is. You finally give us a post about someone who is clearly more of a degenerate than you think you are, and he has much more to lose.
Now, if we could just get the cell phone pic of Wood's schlong, the whole scandel will come full circle, and the world can decide if they ever want to watch him play golf again! My bet is for every inch of penis size that we actually see, the support for him will increase in percentage tenfold.
Nicely done, Kari. You're pretty good when you focus your snark on other people. Keep it up, and in time I'm sure we'll learn to focus on your new reputation instead of your old reputation.
Kari – well done. Sorry I was such a cunt earlier.
Quite funny. Cheers baby girl!