Yesterday, as I’m sure you are well aware, some serious shit went down at the Discovery Channel building in Silver Spring, Maryland. The hostage taker, James Jay Lee, was a hardline environmentalist who hated children, the government, capitalism, bears, money, and porn. Coming as no surprise to anyone, James Lee was also Asian.

Two years ago, James was arrested for throwing thousands of dollars into the air, in front of the same building that would be the death of him. The tossing of the bills was said to be in protest of Discovery Channel’s lack of actual concern for the environment, and other Discover Comm channels promotion of the birth of “parasitic human infants.” However, I’m sure this was lost on everyone, as they were too busy clamoring for one of the thousands of dollar bills flitting in front of their faces.

Honestly, reading through his manifesto and demands, James seems to have a pretty reasonable ideology. Fuck babies? Save the world? We are responsible for our actions? Seems pretty accurate to me, but then he had to go and ruin a good thing by storming a building with a bomb, and waving guns at people.

Also, I think that it’s worth mentioning that while all of this was unfolding, Discovery Channel HD–being the unstoppable force they are–was airing the Dirty Jobs episode where Mike Rowe does something awful.

After the four hour stand-off, police shot and killed James Lee after he pointed a gun at a hostage.

So, what can be learned from yesterday’s events? 1.) Wear a mask, preferably of someone white. 2.) Want to make a bomb? Watch the Discovery Channel. 3.) Stop reading Daniel Quinn’s “Ishmael” series, before you’re indoctrinated.

Also, if you’re considering targeting a television network, do you think you could go up against something that has absolutely no merit? Something like Oxygen, perhaps? Because I fucking love Cash Cab.