souljanashtellemGenerally I leave sports talk to the authorities; ESPN, Deadspin, that guy on the corner who has been wearing the same Chicago Bull Championship windbreaker since the ’90-’91 season; but since the NBA playoffs are quickly heating up like Kobe Bryant’s dick in a fifteen year old, today we’re talking balls.

When it comes down to the Western Conference, it’s the LA Lakers (tall black baby rapers) VS. the Phoenix Suns (coked-out looking white guys); and as far as the Eastern Conference is concerned, it’s the Orlando Magic (immigrants) VS. the Boston Celtics (black guys with white names).

The Lakers have won something like 16 championships, whereas the Celtics have won 17 (including last season’s); further ensuring that the notorious LA/B-Town rivalry live on for years to come. The Orlando Magic and Phoenix Suns are tied at a total championship win of zero. I’m sure that it’s nice to win time and time again, but wouldn’t it be even better to watch two teams who have nothing, duke it out for glory? It would be like a Lifetime made-for-TV movie in real life, just without all of the nagging, weeping, and vaginal seepage.

Based on nothing but personal preference and an affinity for Canadians who frequent Williamsburg, I’d like to see the Suns take it home this year.

Based upon other factors that don’t have much to do with the actual playing of basketball, here’s how it all adds up:

Coaches: Orlando has Steve Van Gundy, who is the brother of former Knick’s coach, Jeff Van Gundy, which clearly knocks them back a few points. Overweight, but has a delightful mustache; points earned back.

Lakers are being controlled by special-chair-sitting Colonel Sanders. Points earned for unique motivational tactics (fried chicken).

The Suns have Alvin Gentry, who reminds me of someone you see on COPS that’s not in a uniform. Plus points.

Boston’s coach, Glenn Rivers, is the only one to go buy a nickname, but it sucks, so points taken.

Bangability of Cheerleaders: Laker’s Girls all look like they should be participating in some sort of theme porn, based off a sitcom. Bangability is a 6 1/2.

Sun’s Broads all appear to be part of a middle school drill team. Bangability is upper 7.

Boston’s Babes are by far the most attractive, looking like sorority girls who have no other skills to do anything besides gyrate around to loud music. Bangability is a 9.

Last but not least, we have the ladies of the Orlando Magic. Nothing says class like bottle-blond and ratty weaves. Bangability at a 4.

Really, I could go on and on, but I think we can agree that the only things that really matter are, A.) How stupid do the coaches look, and B.) Would I fuck that cheerleader, without a condom, if I was sober?

Considering these things, the winner should definitely be ANYONE BUT THE LA LAKERS.

Author’s Note: Louis is correct; I meant to say that the Celtics won in 2008, and the Lakers won last year, further inciting the hatred between the two cities.