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The only thing better than finding a twenty dollar bill in the pocket of a pair of old jeans is finding a recording of a new episode of Jersey Shore on your DVR when you had no idea one existed. This is exactly what happened to me the other day when I discovered that MTV had aired a new episode of the show on New Year’s Eve. So yeah, apologies for being late on this thing, but anyway, now that I’ve watched it, here are a few thoughts:

-PAULY D WENT INTO THE WATER TO SWIM AND HIS HAIR DID NOT MOVE!!!

-Before launching further into the actual show, can we just go ahead and call out the MTV braintrust for the retarded programming decisions they’ve made with this show? First they stick it on Thursday night, the one night of the week when there are actually a number of other good shows to watch on the air, and then they apparently didn’t bother to look at a calender to notice that Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve both fell on a Thursday, thus they would have to either hold off on showing any new episodes for two weeks, losing some momentum in the process, or they would have have to air the show on nights when NOBODY wants to watch guidos being guidos, if they even watch TV at all on those nights. Why watch Jersey Shore when you could be watching an octogenarian stroke victim awkwardly counting down the seconds till the new year? Seriously, wtf MTV? Why not Sunday night, now that all the good HBO shows aren’t running anymore? Monday? Tuesday? Geez man, get it together.

-I have to say, I found Vinnie, who’s been virtually absent from the past couple of episodes, to be kind of endearing in this episode. His fiery defense of Snooki had me thinking, “If I had a sister, I might be okay with this kid dating her, if she HAD to date a guido.” The fact that Vinny hooked up with his boss/landlord’s girl at the end of the episode was especially pleasing for some reason. Maybe because the boss/landlord guy strikes me as a toolbag?

-Is there anything more classic than The Situation trying to hook up, or as Ronnie put it, “creepin'”, with some “trashbag” while the other guys were out looking for the head of the dude who punched Snooki?

-I may have said this previously but it bears repeating: J-Woww is the trashiest looking broad in the history of reality TV. She just constantly looks as though she should be covered in semen. She even sounds like day-old semen is coating the lining of her throat when she speaks. No woman has ever done more to turn me off to girls in sweatpants. Just saying.

-How bout Ronnie’s parents visiting the house? His dad looked like a normal suburban dad while his mom looked like Sammi will probably look in 20 years. Makes perfect sense.

-Am I the only one who finds it annoying as all hell when the other castmembers refer to Snooki as “Snickers.” HER NAME IS NOT SNICKERS YOU ASSHOLES…GET IT RIGHT!” I mean, with a nickname like Snooki, is it really necessary to give her another nickname? Seriously?!

-I find it endless amusing when people who haven’t been watching the show start watching it because of people like me writing about it or their friends talking about it or whatever and then they’re suddenly “OMG WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!” Even porn stars like Louisiana’s own Lexi Belle are taken aback by it

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Yeah hun, they’re “actors.” They’re whatever you want them to be.

-PAULY D WENT INTO THE WATER TO SWIM AND HIS HAIR DID NOT MOVE!!!

-Probably the high point of this episode was The Situation’s Surf and Turf extravaganza. So many of the best lines of the night came from this one sequence, which The Situation said was all about making Snooki forget about being punched in the face by a drunk guido. Too bad that The Situation didn’t consult with Snooki over the menu though, since she’s apparently a closet vegetarian or something:

“I’m a vet tech. I save animals, I don’t kill them…That’s why I don’t eat frickin’ lobster or anything like that. Because they’re alive when you kill it. Like, that’s disgusting.”

But then later in the episode Snooki, being the enigma that she is, eats sausage rather emphatically:

“I’m about to eat a sausage right now. Italian sausage. Fuck you all!”

Go figure.

-Perhaps the best part of The Situation’s Surf and Turf extravaganza was when Sammi refused to do any dishes, leading The Situation to banish her from future guido culinary gatherings:

“You know what? You’re excluded from dinner, then. You’re excluded from Surf-and-Turf Night. You’re excluded from Ravioli Night. You’re excluded from Chicken-Cutlet Night.”

That’s just harsh.

-J-Woww getting into a fight with some girl who called Snooki fat was a great way to end an episode that began with Snooki getting punched in the face, no?

“Stephanie, Jenn and Jackie, they’re cool girls, they’re smart and everything, but they wanna hook up just as well, but I think it will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They’re not like whores.”-Pauly D.

-Finally, we got to see Pauly exhibit his DJ skillz at Karma. His beats seemed to inspire Vinny to hook up with his boss/landlord’s girl, so maybe this will lead to Vinny getting booted from the house, which is maybe what the producers wanted since he’s such a stale piece of toast compared to the others.

-PAULY D WENT INTO THE WATER TO SWIM AND HIS HAIR DID NOT MOVE!!!

-Overall I give this episode a B+. Something seemed missing, maybe because I watched it at 1am on Sunday night instead of it’s normal time slot, and that’s preventing me from giving it an A. Also, somebody needs to fuck Snooki and soon. This is overdue.