10

Good lord where to even begin? The only way last night’s episode of Jersey Shore could’ve been more action-packed would be if MTV locked Charlie Sheen, OJ Simpson, Ike Turner and their ladies in a studio apartment with a mound of cocaine and a set of steak knives. So let’s dive right in:

-Pauly D in the intro: “I think the thing that happened to Snickers brought us closer to Snookers.” FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST HER NAME IS SNOOKI. STOP CALLING HER SNICKERS AND SNOOKERS! This is pissing me off more and more each week. Jesus. Maybe I need to have my own drinking game by myself to get through it. You know, do a shot each time one of the guidos calls Snooki Snickers or something.

-Have you noticed that Jersey Shore often features more subtitles than a Fellini film, despite the fact that the people on the show speak English?

-This week’s episode started off with a bit of utterly fascinating insight into the essential daily rituals of the guido lifestyle: “GTL.” That’s gym, tanning and laundry baby. I think by now everyone knew about the gym and the tanning part, but laundry? Doing laundry sucks! And these jerkoffs do it everyday?! Says The Situation, “If your outfit is a little bit off then your whole package is off.” Amazing. Simply amazing.

1

-Not surprisingly, Vinny did not get kicked out of the house for sleeping with “The Boss’” girl. Looking at “The Boss,” doesn’t he just look like a guy who takes a girl out, drops a couple hundred bucks on dinner and drinks, only to see her suck off some other dude at the end of the night. I mean, dude just looks like that guy, so it should come as no surprise that he just laughed it off. He’s used to it.

-I found it kind of endearing that The Situation tried to hook Vinny up with his sister, which is funny because in a previous recap I mentioned that I might actually be comfortable with Vinny dating my sister, if I had one. Too bad the sister looks, in the words of Pauly D, like The Situation “without the six-pack.”

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-Was the Ronnie/Sammi fight over Sammi’s big, stumpy Fred Flintstone toe not the stupidest shit to fight over EVER? But you know what, all of us have probably been there. That whole sequence brought back some bad memories for me. Relationships are a bitch.

-Am I the only one continually astonished by the lack of fucking going on in the house? J-Woww and Snooki are virtually screaming for cock at every turn, Pauly-D and The Situation are perpetually “creepin,” and yet Ronnie and Sammi are the only ones who appear to be getting laid, but they hate life because their relationship is about as healthy as ass cancer, so is it even worth it? It’s gotta be the stupid duck phone, right? Surely if these people had the ability to booty-text on a cell phone, there’d be more fucking.

-Regarding the lack of fucking in the house, particularly perplexing is The Situation situation. By that I mean that dude has the best and worst game of all time. HE. CANNOT. CLOSE. Take last night for instance…he invites this girl, who he failed at hooking up with once already, back to the house. She then she shows up with her two “hippo” friends in tow and all hell breaks loose. After the shitshow that ensued after Snooki tried to kick the “two giant bodyguards” out on his behalf, The Situation tried to play it off by saying, “I necessarily didn’t want to bring home any zoo creatures whatsoever. These broads probably smelled the food at the house.” But if you go back to the point where he invites the girl he’s trying to bang back to the house, he mentions that she should come over for pizza, so obviously the “grenade” and the “grenade launcher” the cute girl was partying with heard this and invited themselves over. The Situation is his own worst cock-blocker.

6

-I am thisclose to just fast-forwarding through every Ronnie/Sammi scene. I’m just so damn tired of their endlessly melodramatic horseshit. With that said, Ronnie beating the shit out of that asshat at the bar was awesome on so many levels. 1) It proves something I wrote a few weeks ago about Ronnie seeming like he could possibly function properly in a non-guido society, only to go berserk at some point and rip someone’s face off like a deranged chimp. 2) It showed Ronnie to be tremendously chivalrous. Dude was defending his girl’s honor, and in doing so he did everything possible to avoid hitting the other guy’s girl, even though she deserved a punch in the face. 3)Pauly D and The Situation aborted a creepin’ mission to run to the boardwalk to see if Ronnie needed backup. I never thought I’d see that, especially out of The Situation.

-While my hatred for Sammi, who appears cuntier than Angelina with each passing episode, seems to be growing exponentially (her continuing to egg on the boardwalk fight despite Ronnie’s protestations also brought back some painful memories), my adoration for Pauly D is growing. I kinda want to hang with that kid. Seriously.

-I would eat the fuck out of Vinny’s mom’s ziti. I loved his family coming to visit. Italian moms are just like Cajun moms.

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-One of the people I follow on Twitter tweeted something about Snooki punching Mike in the face last night, but I saw nothing of the sort when I watched it. Did I somehow miss that?

-Where the hell was J-Woww last night? With all the fighting going on, you’d think she’d have been front and center? But no, she went all Vinny on us and disappeared, sadly.

-Overall, I give this episode an A-. Just for “GTL” alone, it’s close to being the best episode yet and I woulda given it an A+ if not for Sammi’s annoying ass. If only J-Woww would’ve banged some guy and then rippped his head off, it would’ve made up for Sammi’s awfulness and garnered an A+. I really want to see that.