62With all the fuss around that redhead party girl and her femme fatal ways, people are losing sight of what’s important here: Your neighbor might just be a Russian spy.

That’s right, citizens. Those pesky Ruskies can imitate your American Dream down to a T. They’re pretending to write novels in Starbucks and buying houses in the suburbs. They’ve got American names and “Belgian” accents. They’ve got white picket fences, inflatable Santas, hydrangeas, schnauzers and teenage kids who throw loud parties.

They’ve also got a bunch of deets on US nuclear weapons, C.I.A. leadership, American policy toward Iran and Central Asia and Obama’s Russian field trips. Along with private WiFi networks, the espionage ring used every 007 cliche in the script: invisible ink, secret passwords, swapping of identical bags at train stations, zzzzz.

Aside from the perfectly normal-seeming spy families, the recently revealed espionage ring included Juan Lazaro who taught at New York’s Baruch College that the Iraq war was a money-making scheme (ORLY?) and Vicky Pelaez, who wasn’t a very good journalist.

Then there was Anna Chapman with her fake passport, some sort financial/consulate front and obnoxiously feminine airs. Her Facebook photos minimally document her evolution from a young Socialist rascal to leggy NYC tech/VC scenester. Her Russian Facebook photos show her Cookie Monster fetish (see gallery below). People seem to think she’s very hot.

Got that, Rusky-lovers? If that Russian girl isn’t trying to marry you for citizenship or screw you for a Visa, she’s probably a spy. Aside from sporing paranoid stereotypes, this really sucks for Russian-American political relations. Just when Russia stopped hating US so much, Russia is offended by the way US has handled the investigation (and the frantic press.) Because if American spies were caught on Russian soil, no one would hear about it. Or them. Ever again. Kidding! Or am I?

But, let’s diverge from the socio-political clusterfuck of this situation and focus on the positive. Twelve-year-old Joelle Capone has something cool to write on Facebook now: “My neighbors were arrested for spying for Russia!!!! I’m going to be famous on TV!!!!”