the-edwards_495x360Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy marries girl. Girl stops putting out. Boy pays transvestite $30 for a blow job, in Hardee’s parking lot. Girl divorces boy, proceeds to take all of boy’s money.

It’s a viscous cycle that almost all marriages are trapped in; one that can be less than pleasant for the parties involved, but a downright good time for those that aren’t.

Recently, you may have abandoned your pride and found yourself asking, what is it with cheating husbands? I’m definitely not insinuating that women aren’t capable of such a thing, it’s just that within the past several months the man has been the one fucking up (or at the very least, getting caught fucking up). Just look at the Edwards, the Woods, and the Bullocks, among countless others.

Now, I’m not saying that Sandra Bullock is some kind of babe—in fact, I’d liken her to a piece of hide sold at Ikea—but why would you ever cheat on your cash cow? Being married, or involved, with a celebrity is just like a really good stock option. Pay off may not be immediate, but as soon as they die or whatever, you’re sitting pretty.

Not forgetting political promiscuity, Elizabeth Edwards is featured on today’s Today, and seems to spend a great amount of time making out with Sandra Bullock’s ass. Liz told Matt Lauer that she believes Bullock to have had an “incredible year;” which only makes sense if by “incredible” she actually meant “totally fucked up.” Sure, Sandy won an Oscar, but it was for a movie that only old, white people like my mom enjoyed. Yeah, she made millions, but her husband spent a bunch of it, and fucked around with someone that looks like they have Lyme disease.

For all of those modeling your relationship after Bullock’s and James’, you’ll be happy to know that the pair finalized their divorce two days ago, and are now free to do whatever it is that rich, divorced, shitbags do.

Tiger and his legal lady also finalized the rules and regulations of their divorce, earlier this week. One being that, in return for her silence, Elin Nordegren will be awarded 750 million dollars. 750 MILLION DOLLARS! All she had to do was pop out a few mixed drinks, and crazily chase her husband with a nine iron. Seems worth it for 750 MILLION DOLLARS. Tiger is also not allowed to bring any single women around their children, and can only introduce them if they are planning to be married. Elin is allowing Tiger partial legal custody, saying that despite all of the turmoil, Tiger has been a “decent” dad; and from a black man, what more can you expect?

And there you are, trying to tell me that marriage isn’t a beautiful, sacred thing. Go ahead, take the plunge! Just don’t come crying to me in ten years, when you’re living out of an El Camino and you find out that your wife is a man.