Sex is a magical combination of angel dust and unicorn power, designed to blow your mind. Everyone knows the benefits of having it—stress relief, endorphin production, sleep aid, convincing your boyfriend to stay with you after you get pregnant with his child, among many other things—but what are the mental and physical effects of abstaining?

As most of you know, I’m a cock tease. Earning a reputation as a slut, when you’ve only fucked ten guys, is a feat I’m not sure how I overcame. It probably has something to do with the fact that I’ll give almost anyone with facial hair a handy, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, the point of this narrative is that I wish I could be fucking, but Bearded Boy is out of the country, and though I may be allowed to have sex with other people, I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. So, as no surprise to anyone, without it I’m going crazy.

All of the things that you ward off by getting off (i.e. headaches, muscle cramps) come back ten-fold as soon as you stop receiving action. People who refrain from boning down are susceptible to irritability, withdrawal issues, wet dreams, weight gain, increased cardiovascular aging, and looking like a total loser in front of all of their friends.

Besides the effects attributed to physical exercise, and being judged by your peers, it seems that most of the advantages of having sex are related to the orgasm. So, if you masturbate just as often–or more–than most people have coitus-related cum seshes, are you still receiving the benefits?

It seems to be so, with even Fox News in agreement. For women, masturbating builds resistance to yeast infections, and assists in the relief of chronic pain; whereas for males, raising your own roof can improve your immune system, and reduce your chances of developing prostate cancer.

Those are all favored outcomes, sure, but that doesn’t stop your psychological well-being from going down the proverbial drain. A healthy heart and decent womb, won’t be enough to convince you that you aren’t Star Wars Kid status, when it comes to getting laid.

Basically, what I’m saying is that everyone should just start having sex with everyone else. Why not? Yeah, we’ll have a million more abominations waddling around, and AIDS will be even more rampant than it already is, but we’ll pass on knowing that at least we were banging; unlike that healthy asshole masturbating in the corner.

So, if you’re down to get down, have a healthy swatch of hair on your face, and want some Korean Kari-out, get at me (batmanthehorse@gmail.com).