alvingreeneAlvin Michael Greene is a man to look up to, a man to admire. More so, however, Alvin Greene is a true American. How is that, you ask? Because he, like the rest of us, is lazy as shit. Hailing from South Carolina, Mr. Greene beat opponent Vic Rawl in the Democratic primaries, subsequently ensuring him a shot at winning a United States Senate election, by doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

That is not an exaggeration, dude did not try. He didn’t have a website, he didn’t raise funds, he didn’t have obnoxious signs or billboards, and he didn’t have a campaign.

Living with his parents in Clarendon, Alvin is an unemployed Army veteran, who has been quoted saying things like, “This is the best feel-good story since The Blindside, and they’re throwing me to the wolves.” How could you not love this guy?!

Not only can we relate to Alvin due to his lack of ambition, but we also see a little bit of ourselves in him through his pending felony charges. Back in November of 2009, Greene allegedly showed porn to a University of South Carolina student. The South Carolina Democratic party asked Greene to resign, but he responded by saying, “We need to be pro-South Carolina, not anti-Greene.”

Now, let’s hold up for a second, and talk about Alvin’s initial opponent, Vic Rawl. Can you imagine being that guy right now? It’s shocking to me that he is still, well, living. Had I been working hours upon end, raising money, organizing fundraisers, giving talks, and holding press conferences, then some asshole who did none of that beat me, I would have killed myself days ago.

I’d love to see Alvin Greene go for the gold, because at this point he’s our only hope for accurate representation. Lazy? Check. Jobless? Check. Lives with his parents? Check. Prior criminal behaviour? Check. Looks incredibly awkward at all times? Check. This guy is going to change the world, I know it.