KARI_Ferrell Several weeks ago I complained about how I had yet to cross the Buttsex Bridge, and how for the sake of this website and your obvious interest, I was going to do it to it. As expected, shortly after I wrote the article I completely forgot about forging new territory, and was quite content with the normal day-to-day harpooning of the vag.

Bearded Boy has asked several times to throw his hot dong down my dilapidated trash pit of a hallway, but wasn’t even able to get a finger all the way in, much less something that is comparable to a baby animal.

You know what I learned? A little bit of force goes a long way, and it is possible for a half inch hole to be turned into a five inch hole, with nothing more than a penis and a shoehorn.

Anal sex wasn’t on the night’s agenda, but after taking several prescription painkillers and watching A Goofy Movie on a visit to my mother’s house, the mood was set. It’s a good thing that sofa had Scotchgard, because after listening to Pauly Shore talk about spray cheese for an hour, you better believe I was soaking straight through that bitch.

Anyway, half a bottle of this later, I was oiled up like an Italian prostitute, and ready to go. The first couple inches into it I thought I was being ripped in half, and also that I was going to defecate all over his penis. Apparently becoming stressed out about someone being inside of your ass is not the best thing to do, because as soon as I freaked out about it, I clenched up and thought I was going to cut his dick off like one of those Play Doh toys, minus the fun shapes.

As soon as he started having at it, though, it felt much better than the slow push. Actually, it felt so nice that mid-thrust I commented on how the gays knew all along, and how they really are taking over the world (move over, Jews). Cut to thirty seconds later, when it really started to feel amazing, like, I-could-possibly-blow-my-load-from-you-pummeling-my-exit-orifice-amazing, I hear a knock on my door, and my mother’s meek voice say, “Can you guys keep it down in there? It’s really late, and we’re really tired. Plus, the vents to our rooms are connected.”

Feeling like you are 14 again has never felt so, uh, awesome. Though I could have done without the part where his cock was all stagnant in my butt after the mom assault, but it was well worth the awkward conversation in the morning where my mom made poor attempts at getting to the point, and when I realized she could hear him smacking the shit out of me and probably now knows more about “poop-dick” than ever before.