Unprotected sex is so much better than its safe and responsible counterpart, and everyone knows it. Sure, you could have an “accident,” but a cool $400 later and you’re good to go again; like a dairy cow, or a Chinese woman. The problem, however, is that some people who get pregnant don’t take care of the problem, and end up nurturing the baby properly, and then actually have it. So, for the sake of all of us who hate children, or at the very least never want one, birth control is the most viable option.
There are so many options these days; patches, shots, UFOs you shove into your vagina; how is a girl to know which one to choose? Thankfully, I’m here for you. Being a guinea pig is just part of your daily life, when you’re a top-notch journalist, such as myself. Also, I never want more than five fingers or toes inside of me, at any given time.
The Pill: Celebrating its 50th birthday, not of conception, but of FDA approval, this year; The Pill is still going as strong as ever. It’s cheap, has been around the block the longest, and over 100 million women use it worldwide. You’d think that taking a little bitty pill each day seems like an easy enough task, and you’d think that the consequences of if you didn’t would be serious enough to remind you, but that’s not always the case. Not only will you not be able to have unprotected sex for that day, you’ll also start bleeding immediately. Oh, and I lied earlier, as far as investigative journalism goes; I’ve never used this.
The Patch: Consumerly known as Ortho Evra, you slap one on your ass (stomach, or breast) at the beginning of each week, for the first three weeks of the month, and on the fourth you’re allowed to continue your exotic dance career without the embarrassment of having a large square band-aid taking the spotlight. The Patch does the same thing as The Pill (keeps the ovaries from releasing eggies), but also prevents pregnancy by “thickening a woman’s cervical mucus.” Now, if that’s not enough to get your mayonnaise-like juices flowing, I don’t know what is. I felt normal on The Patch, besides the first two hours after putting the thing on. Those 120 minutes of my life were vicious; and if you can believe it, I was an even bigger bitch than I am now. I experienced dizziness, mood swings, and was not able to think clearly; but only for a couple hours afterward. It could have something to do with the Clorox I was huffing 15 minutes prior to the placing of The Patch, but I really don’t think so.
Plan B: Also known as “The Morning After Pill.” Costs about $40-50 a pop, and considering it’s only effective for 72 hours after someone ices your insides, that’s about $100 a week. Now, they say that this shouldn’t be used as an actual method of birth control, and it’s intended for emergencies only, but I’ve taken it three times in the last month, and I feel great!
The Ring: Just look at this thing. It’s almost identical to the seals that they had around the tops of those little barrel juices (not the ones with the foil tops, obviously) that you drank as a kid, and that is not okay by me. When inserting something into my vagina, I don’t want to be reminded of field trips to the county dump, or cafeteria tables with wheels.
The Shot: You get one, once every three months. You have to receive the injection at a doctor’s office, therefore someone can call you with a reminder when the time is near. It’s $40-$75 per shot, and when broken down is much cheaper than other alternatives, and did I mention that it’s once every three months? This is the perfect form of birth control if you are like me; lazy and forgetful.
We teach our young people that abstinence is the way to go, and that their coveted spot in Heaven will be given to the poor Bengali boy who never even saw a boob that wasn’t all Nat Geo, if they don’t comply with God; but what we should really be doing is taking all of that money spent professing marriage as the answer, and putting it towards the legalization of abortion. Or you know, at the very least, teach them how to wrap their schlongs.