APTOPIX Gulf Oil SpillWhat do we, as Americans, do whenever our initial course of action fails miserably? Ingeniously shove trash in a hole, that’s what! BP’s attempt at containing the oil spill on Sunday, was totally unsuccessful.

May have something to do with the fact that their “big plan” was to put a box over the affected area; or in other words, keep the millions of gallons of leaking oil in one place long enough to come up with something better.

And this is their “something better”: clog the hydrophobic-material spewing cavity with random shit. Thad Allen, the commandant of the Coast Guard, says that “the next tactic is going to be something they call a junk shot,” which consists of shooting shredded tires at the hot, slicked-up, gaping hole. I’m sure there’s a saucy joke to be made here, but I’m not going to be the one to do it.

So far, somewhere around 4 million gallons of oil have been lost; which means that somewhere over $350 million dollars have been lost. Who cares about the perishing wildlife, or the Louisiana fishing grounds (and local economy) it’s about to skull fuck; we’re losing real cash money here.

However, to no one’s surprise, BP’s stock is currently up. Which just proves that, here in the finest country around, we give second chances–even if you’re British. You know, as long as you’re profitable. Cha-ching!