Labor Day is quickly approaching, and though I can’t be too sure, I believe it’s the day that we celebrate minorities working jobs we won’t, for 60 cents to our dollar.

Like most Americans, when I think of Labor Day, I think of elongated weekends, hot dogs, and bidding summer a sweet farewell. Apparently there’s real meaning behind the holiday, and it’s not complete bullshit like Christmas, but who cares? We get three days off! In a row!

The first Labor Day was celebrated in 1882, in New York City, and it was turned into a federal holiday in 1894. All it took was 12 years, a few hundred deaths, and fear of the people to be welcomed into the Big Six.

Like all bullshit holidays, Labor Day began with meaning and quickly dissipated into another excuse to get drunk and do nothing. Ironically, that’s what the Native Americans do all day, so it truly is a testament to the land we love.

Years ago, the first Monday of the month was the time to reflect on what this great country offers us; secure jobs paying decent salaries, overtime, bonuses, insurance, and leave. Now it is a time to reflect on how much we hate day laborers, and just want them the fuck out of our towns.

For most red-blooded Americans, the majority who don’t pay attention to the news, Labor Day means the beginning of football. Who cares about unions and wages, when we can sit around eating corn chips and watching the most flamboyant display of homoeroticism while feigning that it is a display of manliness? No one.

So, this is your reminder to do all of those things that you can’t do on Monday; either due to banks and stores being closed, or because you will be so inebriated you try to sleep with your cousin. And, if you can, try to remember those who came before you; the men and women who braved working for the man, in a building that didn’t even have a gym.