I may be the only person who doesn’t drink, but still has to battle with a hangover, of sorts, the following day. While my body is revolting against me, I can only wonder how you raging alcoholics do it (see: virtually everyone I know). More than being disgusting, it’s god damn impressive.

Due to my inability to properly metabolize alcohol, I’ve given up on it; seeing as I enjoy none of it, and after half of a Utah beer am writhing around on the floor.

You people, who seem to be comprised of 70% alcohol, are a completely different story. Physically able to drink until you have fucking amnesia, it is a feat that I cannot even begin to comprehend. However, I have been fortunate enough to experience it from the other side.

There is that moment where I can physically see a person switch over to “fuck my best friend’s nephew, while roleplaying Battlestar Galactica, and not remember a second of it” mode. It’s utterly fascinating to see, and even more entertaining to watch the retardation that ensues.

Blackouts are not necessarily due to how drunk you are, but how quickly your blood-alcohol level changes. It possible that it is closely related to your boozehound whore of a mother, or other family members. So, not only can you thank them for your drinking problem to begin with, you can also attribute your four illegitimate children to them, as well.

Another thing about alcohol that most fail to remember is, that shit can actually kill you. Not only does drinking cause a slew of health problems, but it only takes a few too many drinks too quickly, and you’re done for. Not to mention that even if you’re not that drunk, alcohol-related automobile accidents occur on a pretty regular level. So, take Montell Jordan’s advice, and make sure the designated driver’s got the keys to your truck.

Not only can drinking alcohol kill you, but if it becomes too much of a problem, it can kill you from the withdrawal. If it gets to that point, it seems like a lose-lose situation. May as well just keep chugging along.

If you’re looking to get paid for your drinking problem, you no longer have to don that mesh top and bow tie, but can just participate in an alcohol study.

Don’t say I’ve never done anything for you.