Are you scared? No?!?! Well, you sure as shit should be! Haven’t you heard about Yemen? What’s Yemen, you ask? Oh, only the new beehive of terrorism that we’ll be bombing soon because its loins gave birth to the failed terrorist who fried his cock and balls on a Northwest Airline flight over Detroit on Christmas day! So are you scared now? Yeah, I thought so! Anyway, here’s everything you need to know about Yemen:
-The always-on-top-of-things CIA doesn’t have any photos available of Yemen on its online factbook on the country. All the more reason to invade them, right?!
-Contrary to popular belief, the mostly Arab nation of Yemen is not in Africa! Rather, it is part of Southwest Asia. Who knew?
-A couple of the dudes at my corner deli are from Yemen and they seem pretty nice. Additionally, they make a damn good roast beef on a hero at 2am. Too bad their homeland is about to be blasted into the stone age! Hehe.
-The locals, popularly known as Yemenites, are fond of chewing on the leaves of a narcotic shrub called “khat” in the same way that American rednecks like to chew tobacco. The effect that khat has on the body is akin to that of booze or drugs, except it’s allowable under Muslim law. Yeehaw!
-Yemen was once split in two, with Northern Yemen falling under the rule of the Ottoman Empire, while Southern Yemen fell under the rule of the Brits, meaning that the people of Yemen had bad teeth, but plenty of comfy furnishings to prop their feet up on.
-One thing Yemen has going for it is that it has very little oil reserves, despite being a neighbor to oil-rich Saudi Arabia. Whew.
-According to the State Department, foreigners getting carjacked in Yemen is out of control. Drive carefully.
-If you decide to visit Yemen by boat, expect local pirates to take your shit. So basically there is no mode of transportation that is safe in Yemen.
-The current population of Yemen is about 25-million folks, but since the country has one of the highest birthrates in the world with the average Yemenite woman bearing 6 children, the population of the country is expected to swell to 60-million by 2050. Which means terrorists will be spreading like cockroaches there!
-Just like Iraq, the country is split almost right down the middle between Sunni and Shia Muslims, whatever that means.
-Osama used to live in Yemen!
-Yemen is said to have more than 60-million guns, which is almost as much as there are in NBA locker rooms.
-Remember when the USS Cole was bombed in 2000? That was done in the waters of Yemen by dudes from Yemen! And terrorists bombed the US Embassy is Yemen last year, killing one American. Now the US is shutting down our embassy there altogether out of fear of more bombings. Pussies.
-Cock-faced Republican muppet Joe Lieberman will not sleep until he gets a fridge full of Yemenite blood to dip his morning bagels in. So there.
-OMG, I almost forgot…the aforementioned dudes from Yemen at my corner deli refuse to sell pork bacon for religious reasons and beef bacon SUCKS. Have you even tried to eat a bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant made with beef bacon? It’s as if someone placed strips of a Goodyear tire inside your tasty breakfast. So I take what I said back…screw those pricks! Serves them right to their country blown to smithereens!
If I missed anything, feel free to add it in the comments.