Down in beautiful, sun-kissed Florida, a bagel man and a pizza man are suing each other over the right to use a method of water filtration that turns regular ol’ water into magical, New York City-like water in just 14 simple steps. The system, says the bagel man, “reinsert[s] those nuances that make it Brooklyn water.” Nuances.

Yeah, so, the Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Co. is suing Mamma Mia’s Trattoria & Brick Oven Pizzeria in state court, claiming misappropriation of their special water Brooklynization technology. In another suit, the pizzeria is suing the Bagel Co. in federal court for threatening “sham litigation” based on allegedly false claims that the filtration process is patented. Bagels wants pizzas to stop using the filtration system; pizzas wants bagels to pay $1 million in fines. And everyone wants New York pizza and bagels, because they are the best.

How did the pizzeria figure out how to Brooklynize their water if the Bagel Co. was the only other place in town—if not the world—with the machinery to do it? Oh, because the Bagel Co. owner’s father-in-law sold a filtration system to the pizza place. He subsequently agreed in a settlement not to reveal the secret process to anyone else, but by then it was too late: the pizza place had already started Brooklynizing water for their pizza dough, which has since become the best anywhere in America south of Brighton Beach.

I could try to use my God-given law degree to provide some sort of legal analysis of this situation, but a. the article doesn’t provide enough facts for me to venture an educated guess, and b. I didn’t study patent law. So let’s weigh pros and cons instead:

Bagel place wins:

  • Pro: If they actually own the patent rights to their technology, then that could halt the predictable onslaught of “Brooklynized water” pizzerias that would surely sweep the nation, resulting in millions of terrible foodie blog posts and dumb food pictures
  • Con: The owner plans on unleashing an onslaught of “Brooklynized water” bagel places; same diff
  • Pizzeria wins:

  • Pro: New York pizza becomes more accessible to Greater America, replacing other pizzas of lesser quality (culinary Darwinism)
  • Con: The annoying foodie blog posts, plus the probable creation and growth of the home water Brooklynization filtering industry (Potential ad slogan: “The nuances of Brooklyn, straight from your faucet!”)
  • And seriously, what are these “nuances” floating around in the water? Is purity a nuance? Was that a rhetorical question? Ugh.

    For now, let’s call Brooklynized water “Fake-hyperlocalized water,” and hope it never ends up here or here.