Four Loko is something to be feared, not because of the damage it will undoubtedly do to your liver, but because you drink one can of the fruity, caustic liquid and the next thing you know, you’re waking up wearing a gold lame’ unitard next to a disheveled looking Jew. It’s the drink for mistake making, and it gets you tanked so quickly, it’s no wonder its popularity is only rising.

Being referred to as a “blackout in a can,” Four Loko has made recent headlines over a gay hate crime and almost killing several people. Sounds like a drink I need inside of me, immediately.

First off, let’s break down what the drink actually contains in its glorious 24 oz. An anonymous amount of caffeine (the actual amount is undisclosed, though I’ve heard it is the equivalent to five Red Bulls) and 12% alcohol, that turns out to be something like three beers in one (or five to six, according to MSNBC).

A few weeks ago, nine members of the Latin King Goonies from the Bronx, tortured and sodomized three gay men. One of the men was forced to drink ten cans of Four Loko, that he himself had provided, after being tricked to think that he was attending a party. Somehow, the man survived, and all nine gang members are being tried with several felony counts.

The alcoholic energy drink was again in the news this week, after records were released concerning a party that occurred on October 8th at Central Washington University. Out of 50 people drinking, nine were hospitalized with BAC levels of .12 to .35 percent, after consuming mass quantities of Four Loko.

Authorities, school officials, and members of the administration are obvious haters of fun, and are trying to get Four Loko taken off the shelves forever. They cite scientific studies claiming that mixing caffeine and any sort of alcohol is not good for you, as if that is reason enough, and go on to say that it is marketed towards young kids, with it’s bright colors and Arizona Tea-like packaging.

Whatever, old people, you just don’t understand our generation. We’re all about living life to the extreme, and any activity that has an element of death attached to it is just that much better. Besides, the possibility of dying is all a facade, because if the creators of Four Loko have taught me anything, it’s that shit is safe.