So after telling you about all of the dangers of having less pleasurable sex with a condom, I think today I should dedicate this column to the STDs many of us live with and love. Since the beginning of time, STDs have gotten a bad rap, especially from the press, but honestly they are the best disease to have. How did you get that cold? Oh, your co-worker coughed near you. You have the chicken pox? Let me guess, one of your kids had a play date with another sick kid. You have herpes? Hell yeah, you just got laid.
So, if you have an STD, do not hide in the closet anymore. Stand proud and say, “Yes, I am sick and yes, it’s because I have mind-blowing sex.” In my last article I included the staggering statistic that one in four Americans now have HPV. What I am telling you today is that if you do not have HPV you are less popular than three out of four of your friends. So to help break the social stigma of STDs I will today rank the world’s STDs from best to worst.
HPV: Having HPV is a little worse for you than smoking. If you have HPV you might get cancer, or you probably will not. Every year 1600 cases of Anal Cancer are found to be the result of HPV, roughly 900 men and 700 women. Which means that statistically, either women are still incredibly prudish about anal sex, or men’s assholes are way more delicate than we thought. Now there is a vaccine for HPV, so soon it will be the John Cusack of STDs; children from the 80’s will remember it wistfully, and everyone born after 2001 will not know what it is.
Syphilis: Here’s a list of the reported infected: Al Capone, Babe Ruth, Friedrich Nietzsche, Paul Gaugin, Manet, Tolstoy, Scott Joplin, Napoleon, Mussolini, Hitler and Ivan the Terrible. So, if you get Syphilis there are two ways your life can go; one, become an amazing and influential artist or two, become an amazingly powerful asshole. If you have ever been diagnosed with syphilis, that means that someone you had sex with had sex with someone (multiply this by thousands) who fucked Hitler. That’s right, if you have Syphilis then somehow somewhere you are sexually connected to the biggest asshole who has ever lived. But Wait! It’s okay, you are also connected to one of Russia’s greatest writers, the most electrifying man to ever play baseball, and the best ragtime pianist that ever lived. The reason though that Syphilis is the second coolest STD is easy; you can cure it with Penicillin. When’s the last time you worried about Polio? Then stop worrying about The Syph.
The Clap: Raise your hands everybody and listen to the beat, now clap your hands. Sometimes called Gonorrhea, the Clap is the most fun sounding STD ever. Sure, it’s a standing ovation to every trucker who slept with a lot lizard somewhere on the I-95 corridor, but you can easily cure it with Amoxicillin. If I ever get bitten by a radioactive spider, and instead of gaining superpowers I get a strong–yet treatable–STD, I am going to call it “The Slap on the Ass,” because it makes you feel as good as a clap, but is a bit more name appropriate.
Herpes: The word “herpes” comes from the Greek word meaning “creeping.” And if you have ever traveled through South Jersey, then you get why the Greeks chose to name it such. Herpes is popular, but it is also incurable so it falls pretty low on the list. However, from what I have learned from TV commercials, having Herpes is awesome. If you have Herpes you will sail, play in the park, walk on the beach, throw frisbees to your golden retriever, and do all sorts of fun outdoor activities the rest of the country is too lazy to do. One in six Americans have herpes, so not only is it fun but it is also popular.
Hepatitis: The price of having sex with Pamela Anderson. Every year this disease gets a little more gaudy and pathetic.
HIV/AIDS: There is nothing funny or snarky to write here. Definitely in last place. I mean, we lost Eric Wright to it, for God’s sake.
So, you know, if you’re going to have unprotected sex, go for the gold (gold being HPV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, or Herpes), slap on those boat shoes, and get on that yacht you never thought you’d have. Thanks, Valtrex!