07.30.10 Kari Ferrell

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has had a pretty terrible past two decades, or so. As if the nuclear weapons and mass destruction of a people aren’t bad enough, they also have to be ruled by an overweight, Asian Gary Coleman who looks like he’s been struck with palsy.

Oddly enough, Kim Jong-il is not the official leader of North Korea, his long-dead father is (who some claim Kim Jong-il killed). In 1997, Kim Jong-il took the title of General Secretary and chairman of the National Defense Commission of North Korea, and all was lost from there.

Throughout his tenure as leader, his nation has experienced great famine (with his genius plan to combat this being giant rabbits), worldwide ridicule, and complete sociopathy at its finest (for example).

To us ignorant outsiders, the first thing we think of upon hearing his name is Team America. Who can blame us? Height’s about right, chubby dictator squirrel cheeks are there, and his penchant for Matt Damon is spot on.

It seems that Americans aren’t the only ones who feel this way, as protest signs are starting to pop up in other countries, bearing Kim’s marionettey likeness.

However, Jong-il may have had the last laugh. It’s a widely reported theory that he pulled an Andrew WK on all of us, and that the real Kim JI left this realm to dictate Hell all the way back in 2003, with diabetes being the final blow. Diabetes, really? What a pussy.

Let’s assume that this is true, and that the little guy we all know and love today is an impostor. Call it fraud or what you will (personally, I like the term “performance art”), but it’s clear that he’s doing a damn good job at pretending; spending 20 mill on German luxury vehicles while his people die from economic failure, forcing losing World Cup coach to become a builder while publicly shaming the whole team, among other well-meaning hijinks.

The silver lining of this communist cloud is that it seems we won’t be running out of reasons to make fun of Asians anytime soon. Which is greatly appreciated, because they don’t do enough retarded things on their own. Without Kim Jong-il, we’d still be making tired happy ending jokes; reason enough to raise your arms, and give praise to the great leader.