rsz_picture_7As a pervert, I can confidently say that the internet is the greatest invention ever. Thanks to Al Gore, we’ve been given the gift of Skype and Chat Roulette, the latest spawn of networking media, where you can watch socially-inept individuals seek hot lovin’ from other sad sacks. These two platforms are the “Harry Potter Vibrating Broomstick” of the internet world—meant for chaste, pure things and then made even more awesome by the possibility of a depraved fantasy-related orgasm.

I tried using Chat Roulette, and though there was a plethora of acceptable penises, they were almost all anonymous penises, which just isn’t okay by me. I know that CR is the hot new thing, and that everyone is all about it, but I just need to know WHO it is that I’m going knuckles-deep for. Also, if there are faces included, they seem to look like Jeffrey Dahmer on a bad day.

Skype isn’t that much better, but at least I can choose who it is I’m watching bust it. I have only used it a handful of times, and each one of those times has been for the sole purpose of Dirty Skype. There is nothing better than knowing that someone could quite possibly cum to a grainy image of your twat, with a lag. The most entertaining part of it all, for me, is seeing how it all plays out; who initiates what, and who can slap their genitals against their webcam first.

When it comes to Chat Roulette, you’re totally disposable. If these people don’t like the way you look, or don’t look, they throw you to the wolves. I mean, it’s really a shot to your ego to see “Your partner disconnected” in the text box; at least with Skype there’s the possibility of a lost connection, or mistaken hang-up.

CR is so fast paced, you feel like you’re running down the tarmac of Desperation Road, lugubrious faces flying by the windows, barely decipherable. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to slow it down, and take my time. You can’t silently judge someone when they’re seven people ahead of you, finger poised on the mouse, ready to move on with a simple click of the “next” button.

Throughout this article I have sung the good graces of Skype, but the last time that I got down on the webernet, the dude watched me unenthusiastically rub myself as I thought about three of Michael Jackson’s body parts, while he complained about the state of the economy and drank a green tea fusion beverage. I think that pretty much shows you how lascivious the whole thing was. It was kind of like the first (and only) time I had a threesome: the potential of eroticism was there, but was shot dead and dragged across the highway once the Eiffel Tower was put into place, and the playing cards were splayed across my back. Anyway, the Skype sesh ended with me not cumming, and him falling asleep in his organic cereal.

So, this is an open call to all of you lovely ladies and gents out there: I need to have a good (or mediocre-at-best) Dirty Skype session. I would love to get debaucherous with anyone who has a mighty amount of facial hair, or would at least be willing to affix a small mammal to their chin. I would love to masturbate with a carrot for anyone who could recite The Taming of the Shrew while s’n their own d. I would love to get naked with anyone who has two eyes and a mouth. Add me now: kariferrellneedstofuck

Thanks to Karl Malone and John Stockton for being two hot tots I want inside of me, and providing their faces for this article.